My BF Era

This month, I officially stopped breastfeeding. After nearly nine months of constantly thinking about when to breastfeed or pump, stressing about emptying my breasts every two hours, sitting at the pump for hours, it’s so strange to be done. My brain hasn’t quite caught up with my body.

I’ve never been able to produce enough milk for my children so that they were exclusively breastfed. Sessions with a lactation consultant didn’t improve my supply. My children have always needed to supplement with formula. With my firstborn, I didn’t anticipate my low supply and beat myself up about it. With my secondborn, I expected it and had a much healthier attitude about feeding my baby formula.

That being said, while G was in my belly, I told Steve I’d be fine with her being completely formula-fed from the beginning - because breastfeeding is literally and figuratively so draining on my body. When she was born, I thought, ‘Maybe I’ll give this breastfeeding thing a go because I probably won’t be able to breastfeed for very long anyway.’ After a couple months, I thought, ‘I’ll keep going until it’s very clear my body is done.’ Three months passed, then five months passed and I thought, ‘Maybe now I’ll stop.’ At this point, my milk supply had dipped significantly. But, I kept pumping. Something innate in me wanted to try to squeeze as much milk out of me as I possibly could for my baby (cue martyr syndrome). Even as month 8 crept up and my body was barely producing any milk, I kept sitting at my desk, tied to the pump – trying to convince my body to keep producing. I kept trying to breastfeed G despite her biting, pawing, and tearing away when she realized as soon as she latched that there was nothing but droplets. Whereas Bub would happily comfort-nurse, G was less inclined and quickly grew impatient if there wasn’t any milk for her to drink.

Honestly, towards the end, I too started growing tired of it all. I was tired of feeling guilty for not pumping or nursing around-the-clock. If I were to listen to “expert” advice about pumping every two hours to keep my milk production going, I’d be pumping or nursing for 6-8 hours a day. That left little time for anything else, challenging when I have another kid to take care of. Breastfeeding is an unpaid, often unseen, full-time job I’m glad I don’t have to do anymore, especially because the juice really wasn’t worth the squeeze given my sad supply.

I was emotional during my last nursing sessions with G. I was emotional feeding her the last bottle of breastmilk that I pumped. I’ll miss the special bonding time breastfeeding provided G and me. I’ll miss the excuse to “take a break” at my desk to pump. But mostly, I was so emotional because this is the last time that I’ll ever breastfeed a baby. My breastfeeding era is officially over.

A part of me held on to breastfeeding for as long as I could because stopping symbolized my baby not needing me anymore. I wasn’t ready to face the fact that she is quickly growing out of being a baby. My last baby.

Breastfeeding has made me appreciate my body in utterly new ways. It’s made me feel anger and frustration towards my body. It’s taught me that I really don’t know my body at all and that no one really does because women’s bodies aren’t researched enough. I don’t understand how my body produced milk. When I thought I’d produce more milk, I didn’t. When I least expected my body to produce milk, it surprised me with more. I don’t understand dysphoric milk ejection reflex and why I felt depressed every time I pumped. I don’t understand why when I stopped breastfeeding, I had horrible intense mood swings. I don’t understand my hormones and as a result, I feel like I barely know myself. My breastfeeding days may be over but my journey to better understanding myself continues.

“In terms of brains, we may be first among mammals, but we are mammals nonetheless, and as such we cannibalize our mothers in order to live.”

— Betty Fussell, "Eat, Live, Love, Die"

Got Milk

Breastfeeding. One of the most stressful aspects of having a baby. Produce too little and I feel like a failure. Produce too much and I feel obligated to pump and store it. Produce just enough and I worry about whether it is, in fact, enough.

Breastfeeding has been a long road for me. I struggled with low supply from the very beginning. Born a mere six pounds, Bub was constantly hungry and I couldn’t produce milk fast enough. I would nurse him and think he was full only to watch him chug five ounces of formula an hour later. I felt like I was starving my baby.

When I looked for advice, I was met with a barrage of opinions:

• “Pump every two hours religiously.”

• "Don’t bother pumping. Just nurse around-the-clock.”

• “Eat lactation cookies.”

• “Take fenugreek supplements.”

• “Eat animal protein.”

• “Drink lots of almond milk.”

• “Get eight hours of sleep.”

How one gets eight hours of sleep while pumping every two hours is beyond me. Needless to say, the advice out there can be confusing and conflicting.

The endless counsel was fueled by pressure from parenting books to breastfeed:

• “Breastfeed for a year and you’ll have a healthier, happier, smarter baby.”

• “Breastfeeding is the best thing for your baby.”

• “Every mother should be able to breastfeed.”

• “Your baby should drink only breastmilk for the first six months of life.”

And lastly, there was self-induced pressure unintentionally brought on by friends and family. Breastfeeding seemed so easy for everyone else. Producing milk for my baby quickly became an obsession. I set alarms to wake up and pump every two hours throughout the night. I would sometimes pump for an hour, hoping it would help the supply and demand. I would feel guilty and stressed when I didn’t pump on time. I felt like a letdown when my baby clearly needed more milk than I could make.

A few weeks after Bub was born, I discovered that I was a formula baby. My mother didn’t even bother breastfeeding because she went back to work three days after I was born. My aunt struggled to breastfeed her children. She tried for months and was never able to. Maybe low supply is genetic. My mother taunted me for not being able to produce enough milk and yet, she didn’t even bother to try with me. The audacity. The hypocrisy. The cycle of shame needs to end.

Six months into breastfeeding and I started to have symptoms of postpartum depression. They were triggered by my period and showed up as uncontrollable rage. Right before my period, I would experience the most intense mood swings and get angry over the smallest things. The rage felt like an out-of-body experience.

In the back of my mind, I knew stopping breastfeeding would likely stabilize my hormones and my mood swings. And yet, I was determined to provide whatever milk I could for my baby. Even if it meant only 3 ounces a day. I kept trying to nurse, trying to pump.

Then one Sunday in February, my supply dropped significantly. Down to droplets. My period came. No mood swings. Physically, I was feeling more like myself. Emotionally, I was mournful over not being able to produce anymore milk. My goal was to do it until his first birthday.

And so at the end of February, my breastfeeding journey comes to an end. Almost 11 months of obsessing over milk supply, taking breaks throughout the day to pump, washing fiddly pump parts. Suddenly, I don’t have to think about it anymore. I can eat and drink whatever I want. I have time back in my day. I can let Steve feed Bub with formula. My hair can finally have a chance to grow back. I’m. Free. But why does freedom feel so bittersweet?

Because I’ll miss feedings with my baby, that special bonding time. I’ll miss watching YouTube videos during my pumping sessions, the only break I had throughout the day. I’ll miss having an excuse to consume extra calories. Breastfeeding was my connection to those early days - as painful as they were - when we first brought him home and I was figuring out this whole ‘feeding my baby with my breasts’ thing.

What I’ll take away from this experience is just how incredible the female body is. The fact that I would feel a letdown when I heard my newborn cry. The fact that there is a feedback loop between my baby and my breasts that tells my body how much milk my baby needs. When nursing or pumping, I could feel the nutrients being drained from my upper body. Mothers literally give their all to their babies.

I am so proud of my body for taking care of my baby.

My breastfeeding journey in numbers

• Months I breastfed/pumped: 10.75

• Hours breastfeeding/pumping: 900+

• Number of hours spent washing pump parts: 300+

• Times Steve or I spilled a bottle of breastmilk: 4

• Times I’ve cried over spilled milk: 4

• How many ounces I pumped the first time: 2

• How many ounces I pumped the last time: .25

10 Things I Wish I Had Known Before Having a Baby

#1. Babies cry. A lot.

I wish someone had told me just how much babies cry, that it’s their only form of communication, that it’s a good way for them to exercise their lungs. I wish someone had told me that if I’m in the middle of something, it’s totally fine to let him cry for five minutes before going to him. Especially with him being my firstborn, I ran to him every time he cried the minute he started crying. I think it took a good couple of months before I got used to the sound and felt comfortable letting him cry it out (for a reasonable amount of time).

#2. Zippers over buttons.

Buttoning up a screaming baby at 3 am is not fun. Outfits with snaps down the front might be cute, but zippers are so much easier and I was thanking them in the middle of the night.

#3. Breastfeeding is a strange experience.

I had no idea that breastfeeding could produce period-like cramps. I had heard that breastfeeding could make me super tired, thirsty, and hungry, but I didn’t realize just how much. I’m still amazed that just looking at him or hearing him cry can cause me to leak. But most of all, I wish someone had told me earlier that it’s normal to feel emotionally and mentally out-of-sorts during the breastfeeding/pumping phase.

#4. “Mommy thumb” is a thing.

Apparently there is a right way to hold a baby. For four months, I held him for most of the day with my thumb open on my non-dominant hand. One night when I went to pick him up, I felt a snap and then searing pain along the base of my thumb. I could barely lift him. That’s when I googled “mom wrist pain” and learned about De Quervain’s Syndrome. It took a good week of resting my thumb, wearing a thumb splint at night, and letting Steve do some of the heavy lifting (literally) before the pain subsided. I found these articles particularly helpful about learning the proper way to hold a baby: Rehab for a Better Life and a Kaiser Permanente article.

#5. Formula is okay.

I wish I had known that feeding a baby formula is likely going to happen at some point, whether it’s after my colostrum has dried up during his first few days or when I’m trying to wean him off of breast milk months later. I think knowing that would have made me feel less guilty about feeding him formula. Because I don’t produce enough breast milk for him, we have been feeding him about a bottle of formula a night since he was born. I used to feel like I had failed as a mother in some way, but now I realize that formula is bound to happen.

#6. Pacifiers are okay.

I so desperately wanted to avoid my baby putting anything plastic or synthetic in his mouth, which meant I didn’t like the idea of using pacifiers. During his first couple weeks, it felt like I was nursing him for an hour and a half at a time. Nipples sore, my mental health frayed, my arms and shoulders tired - I wondered how mothers could enjoy breastfeeding so much. Then, I realized he was mostly comfort nursing and a family friend told me, “don’t be a hero; give him a pacifier”. We used silicone ones for a while before I discovered rubber ones. Regardless, pacifiers have saved my nipples.

#7. Babies grow really quickly in the first year.

Every baby grows at a different rate, but I was shocked at how quickly he grew. In a flash, he outgrew his preemie clothes, then his newborn ones, then we moved on to the 0-3 month size. I feel like we only spent two weeks in 0-3 month clothes before we put him in 6-9 month sizes. I bought four new sleepers for him when he was a few weeks old because of how rapidly he was growing and before my sister could drop off her son’s hand-me-downs. Never again. He wore them only a handful of times before he outgrew them.

#8. Babies need a lot of stuff.

At one point in the bedroom we had a sound machine, a humidifier, and a fan running at night. In the kitchen, I have a section for washing and drying 50 different pump parts, pacifiers, and baby bottles. In his playroom, we have a bassinet, a Pack n’ Play, a changing table, and a dresser full of baby clothes. As someone who is trying to be a minimalist, I’m shocked and overwhelmed by the sheer amount of stuff we now have in our house.

#9. Some baby stuff isn’t intuitive to use.

For two and a half months, nearly every time we fed him from a bottle, the bottle would leak milk all over him. Sleep-deprived and cranky, we would get so angry at the bottle. It took us an embarrassing amount of time to figure out how to correctly put the cap on. I wish I had taken the time to read instructions on bottles, breast pumps, and swaddles before the baby arrived.

#10. A bassinet isn’t necessary.

Because I had seen friends and family use them, I assumed I needed a bassinet too. I wish I had known that I could skip the bassinet and have the baby sleep in a crib right from the start.

my fave baby products so far

• Solly Baby swaddles

  These are the only swaddles I’ll ever need. We have several cotton muslin swaddles, which are fine, but we absolutely love the Solly Baby ones. They’re bigger, stretchier, softer, and harder for our baby to kick out of when he’s wrapped up. And, they’re shipped in plastic-free packaging.

• Esembly reusable diapers (inners)

  100% organic cotton, easy to put on, and easy to wash, Esembly diapers helped ease me into sustainable diapering.

• Marley Monsters reusable wipes

  These soft, cloth wipes are made from 100% cotton and ship plastic-free. We use them for wiping butts and spit-ups. We even soak them in water and freeze them for when he’s teething. About 40 wipes lasts me a few days.

• Ecopiggy natural rubber pacifiers

  If our baby is going to put something in his mouth, I try really hard to make sure it’s made out of a natural material like rubber, wooden, or cotton. It’s impossible to do when it comes to bottles and some toys, but I try. I love these 100% natural rubber pacifiers that I get from EarthHero.