Split

As a parent, I am feeling constantly split these days. If I’m not with Bub, then I’m with G. If I’m not with G, then I’m with Bub. If I’m with my kids, then I want to be by myself. If I’m by myself, then I want to be with my kids.

On a good day, feeling split may look like spending quality time with G in the morning while Bub is at preschool and spending quality time with Bub when he gets home. I feel balanced and content with both kids. On a rough day, feeling split may look like a sleep-deprived me trying to wash bottle parts while G is screaming and Bub is yelling, “Mom! Mom! Look at me! Look at me!”. I feel over-stimulated, burnt out, and about to erupt.

Having two kids is like having two conversations at the same time. All the time. Bub, being verbal and mobile, is usually the loudest voice in the room. When I’m playing with G, my focus breaks away to the Tasmanian Devil racing around me, yelling “Mom! Mom! Look at me!”. Compared to when Bub was a baby, I don’t have all the time in the world to pay attention to G and that makes me feel guilty.

When I do finally get time with G and she is snuggled against my chest, I get emotional thinking about how fast she’s growing and want to hold her forever. Yet at the same time, I have a strong desire to get up and do something for myself - be it get a drink of water, go to the bathroom, check my email, sleep horizontally, anything. Such is my life. I am endlessly torn.

I try to satisfy both and give her a few extra squeezes before laying her down in her crib. Because I know now that I’ll be a better mom if I give myself a break.

Parenting, I've learned, is all about trade-offs. It’s about feeling conflicting emotions simultaneously. It’s celebrating firsts and lasts all together. It’s finding the discipline to focus on the child in front of me instead of getting distracted with the grocery list. And, it often requires being a hypocrite. I am judged and constantly judging. How is it that I feel dead inside and like I’m thriving at the same time? I am both living the dream and losing the dreamer in me.

This poem by Karen McMillan called “Mother of All Contradictions” nails it:

I’m so happy with my choices

Yet question them daily

I’ve never felt so accomplished

Then suddenly, failing

I’m excited for the future

Yet always looking back

I’m bursting at the seams

With all the things that I lack

I’m vacant

But always so full of you

I’ve learned so much

But still don’t have a clue

I’m close to my limit

But can’t get enough

I’m put upon, I’m passive

But undeniably tough

I’m gentle

But can’t help shouting

I’m certainly

Doubting

I’m oblivious

But care, so much, what you think

I’m the steady, stable one

Always teetering on the brink

I’m unemployed

Yet have never worked so bloody hard

I’m that happy smiling soul

Who’s full of mard

I’m permanently skint

But have never felt richer

I’m mindfully looking

At the bigger picture

I need a break

But always want you close

I’m invisible

But have never felt so exposed

I give others advice

I can’t seem to follow

I find yours, especially

Hard to swallow

I complain that I’m lonely

But just want to be alone

I’m positively grateful

But love a good moan

I’m absent

Yet ever-present

I’m dull

But effervescent

I’m tired

Yet enlivened

I’m loving this

But can’t abide it

I’m strong in my beliefs

Yet lack conviction

I’m reality TV

And a work of fiction

I’m the Mother

of all contradiction