With my firstborn, I was such a ball of nerves that I couldn’t appreciate help even when I had it. Now as a second-time mama, I’m finally seeing the benefits of having an extra pair of hands with my kids.
I had so many rules when Bub was born that it was impossible for anyone to watch him, myself and Steve included. I was so hard on everyone. At the time, I convinced myself that I had high standards and wanted the absolute best for my child. In hindsight, I had severe, debilitating anxiety. Some of my rules were:
Only organic food and milk
No burnt food
No food cooked on Teflon or aluminum foil
No food that’s touched plastic
Only filtered water
No scented laundry detergent
No fabric softeners
No dryer sheets
No plastic toys
No clothes made out of synthetic fabrics
No screen time
No phones near him at all
Yeah, I was really intense. I still am. Some of these rules still apply, but I’ve definitely loosened up. For instance, he eats non-organic food now and has had a lot…a lot of screen time.
Family members wanted to watch Bub. It was me that refused. I was terrified of someone watching him and not following my rules. My anxiety and refusal put immense pressure and burden on Steve to be the only other person to take care of our child - in a way that wouldn’t send me into a spiral.
Then, I got pregnant with G and I was physically forced to give up on many of my rules. I needed help with Bub, especially on days I could barely get out of bed. If relatives sneaked him artificially-flavored Oreos and pretzels, I wasn’t in a position to ban them from seeing him. I could remind them, of course, but the reality is that when I’m not around, I don’t have as much control over what he eats or comes into contact with.
Last month, my aunt from Taiwan came to town. She doesn’t have a partner and never had children of her own, but she helped raise all of the kids on my dad’s side of the family. She taught me how to do laundry and put on makeup. She was the one who was there when I got my period for the first time. She was the first to teach me to recycle, planting the seed in my mind that our planet should be taken care of. She inspired me to see as much of the world as possible. She is the mom I wish I had.
And now, my kids are able to develop their own relationships with her. When she comes over, she brings warm food for Steve and me to eat, plays with Bub, holds and feeds G, and cleans the house. When Steve and I want to workout together or grab dinner just the two of us, she pushes us out the door. She’s always game to go on trips with us, sitting in the backseat and assisting with the kids. She does it all without being asked, without being paid, without complaining, and always with love and kindness. I’ve never appreciated her more.
Accepting help has opened my life in ways I never expected. I’m able to give each kid more individualized attention. I have more patience with Steve. I can let myself just breathe. Help lightens the motherload.