I'm coming to terms with the fact that my baby isn't a baby anymore. He's a toddler with big feelings and wants. He's harder to please and easy to upset. I've had to do more parenting these days and I can't say I enjoy it. I miss the days when he only needed three things: a feed, a change, a burp.
But when I'm feeling beat and burnt out, I try to remind myself that it's temporary. And then I feel utter sadness. Nothing lasts forever. The truth is, it's a flash in time that he will be little and need me - a fraction of a lifetime. His first year went by in a blink. I'm afraid I'll look up and suddenly he's in college.
Despite being exhausted, I still want to hold on to the cuddles, the middle of the night wake-ups, the guttural fits of laughter, the way his tiny hand fits in mine. I could watch him sleep for hours - the way he smiles in his sleep, the way he looks so peaceful. I try to take as many photos and videos as I can. I try to cement the memories in my brain. But it's not the same as living in the moment.
I'm overwhelmed with intense emotion - I've never loved someone so deeply. I've never had something so precious. It's scary and confusing and complicated. Being a parent, I feel conflicting feelings all of the time. I'm happy he is growing but sad he won't be my baby forever. I look forward to his bedtime so I can finally have time for myself, but I'm sad he's another day older. I'm excited for him to walk, but I'm sad he won't need me to pick him up anymore. Parenting is being present and feeling polar emotions at the same time. The feeling of future nostalgia is so real.
Matters of the heart are complex. What brings me peace is that many parents feel the same way and I feel, somehow, less alone ♥️