There was life before kids and there was life after kids.
I never anticipated that my life after kids would require intense reprogramming, rewiring, and reparenting of myself. I emerged out of my post-pandemic, postpartum daze eager to do the inner work to become the best parent I could. A mix of different therapies, conversations with friends, and self-help books have gotten me to the more enlightened place I am today - someone who isn’t going to have a crushing panic attack when she leaves the house with her kids.
Looking back at the dark place I was in when I first became a mom, I told Steve that I probably should have been institutionalized. He didn’t disagree.
I’m doing the readings. I’m doing the homework. I’m doing everything I possibly can to be the parent I want to be, the person I want to be. I can finally feel myself going through the transformation. A second coming of myself, if you will.
It took having a kid to make me realize just how severe my insecurities and anxieties were. It took having a second kid to make me finally let go and move on to becoming the person I’m meant to be.
The three biggest revelations I’ve had so far are:
Being a perfectionist isn’t a bad thing. In fact, perfectionism is a superpower if I stay connected with myself and remember that “ideals are not meant to be achieved, only meant to inspire” (from a life-changing book: The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control).
Emotions aren’t good or bad. They are simply learnings. Learning about what I like and don’t like, what I want more of in my life, what my boundaries are. What I used to consider a “negative” emotion is really my mind and body trying to tell me something.
Every part of me belongs. The good, the bad, the ugly, the awkward. The parts of me still yet unhealed. The parts of me that are. Accepting all of me and believing that my worth isn’t conditional - it’s a profoundly liberating feeling.
Even though I see these revelations and I believe in them, I’m not yet at the point where I’m internalizing them. But, I’ll get there. Baby steps.
Maybe when my baby takes her first steps, these newfound beliefs will be a little more rooted in my subconscious. Maybe when she learns to run, I’ll no longer be riddled with fear. I’ll be able to run outside with her. Present. Carefree. Joyful.
