I’m the type of person who throws her hands up in the air and gives up if something doesn’t go perfectly. “Why do anything if you don’t strive for perfection,” I used to wonder.
Then, I became a mom and very quickly learned that perfection in motherhood simply doesn’t exist.
When I packed my hospital bag to deliver Bubba, I only packed him a swaddle to wear. How does one put a baby in a car seat when he’s only wrapped in a SWADDLE? Pretty sure I blushed when I realized my naivety and had to ask the nurse if we could keep the hospital onesie he was in. She reassured me that this happens all the time and that the nurses keep a box of new clothes for moments like this. Within minutes she was back with a brand new outfit for Bubba to go home in.
“Don’t worry, I never pre-washed clothes with my kids.” She saw the look of hesitation on my face. I didn’t see why I couldn’t just keep Bubba in the onesie he was wearing or wrap him in the swaddle and walk home. Forget the car seat, I thought. I would rather do either of those things than put him in clothing full of factory chemicals.
“Thank you so much,” Steve said, kindly accepting the gift from the nurse. I snapped back into reality. That moment was my first lesson in letting go of perfection as a mother. Steve and I fumbled our way through putting clothes on a day-old baby and buckled him into his car seat. I kicked myself for not bringing him a clean outfit from home and debated whether to give him a bath right away. Guilt crept over me.
Since bringing him home, my mind has been churning worries nonstop: is this organic, is this plastic-free, has this been washed, is he too close to the wifi or microwave, is that glitter on his head, what kind of chemicals are in those diapers, did I wash my hands before holding him…I wish I could put this kid in a bubble.
Despite how exhausted I am, I lie awake at night crying and stressing over the mistakes I’ve already made as a mother: using tap water for his formula his first few weeks, placing him too close to our wireless devices when he was tiny, accidentally pouring bath water into his mouth, the list is endless. I make mistakes all day, everyday.
With all the toxins in this world, I’m at my wits’ end worrying about keeping my bairn safe and healthy. With all my worrying, I worry about keeping him happy from my anxieties. Worrying about worrying is worrisome.
“Is it okay to not strive for perfection,” I wonder, “Is good enough?”
“Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good,” I hear a voice in my head reply back.
I can still be a good mother even if I’m not perfect. I can still be a good mother if I accidentally make a mistake. I can still be a good mother if I feed my baby formula. I can still be a good mother if I spend time during the day doing something for myself.
As I write this blog post, I can’t remember the last time I showered, there is a pile of dirty dishes in the sink, half the laundry is folded and half of it is still in the dryer, my pump parts need to be washed, which reminds me...I need to pump. I haven’t eaten dinner and I need to hydrate. There are a million things on my to-do list that I haven’t done but for now, I’m going to hydrate, eat, and pump. “Good enough for today,” I tell myself.
