'23 and Me

This year was not what I had in mind. In many ways, it surprised and delighted me. In many ways, it was harder than I anticipated. For one, I was pregnant for most of 2023, which isn’t always fun. But, I suppose the biggest theme for me this year was “progress”.

Looking over my 2023 intentions and vision board, there aren’t many things I can cross off. We didn’t sell our house like I had wanted. I didn’t finish a lot of the projects I started. I still haven’t figured out where I want to live long-term. I’m 15 pounds off my goal weight. I still rage and have anxiety.

But, I’ve made progress. And, I’ve had way fewer anxiety attacks and rage episodes.

The biggest tangible learning for me this year was how important my relationship is with Steve. If I’m not on the same page with Steve, then it doesn’t matter how happy my kids are or how well I’m doing at work. Steve is my other half, my partner in parenthood, the solar power that our household runs on and without being on good terms with him, it’s hard for me to think about anything else. The health of my marriage permeates into every aspect of my life.

As I look ahead at the new year, there are parts I secretly dread. Bub will turn four, which means he’s that much closer to Kindergarten, that much closer to becoming a teenager. Next year, G will learn to sit up on her own, eat solids, and maybe even walk. Every year, my kids get a little older. Every year, I get a little older.

We don’t plan on traveling in 2024 or making big purchases. In fact, I’ve challenged the family to not purchase any new clothes or any new toys in the new year. It’s our “no buy” year and I’m curious to see how else we find fulfillment. 2024 may sound boring with nothing grand to look forward to, but I’m excited to see how I can find joy in the everyday, the seemingly mundane. I challenge myself to focus on what’s in front of me, to see not the lack but the luck.

Here We Are

Here we are, at the end of 2022. I think back on the things I wanted to accomplish this year and realize I hit 75% of what I wanted. There are things I never checked off my to-do list and worry if I ever will. But, I’m learning to trust in the timing of the Universe and let go of my own timeline. Sometimes when I look back on my life, I realize the timing worked out better than I had planned.

The milestones from this year were big:

• Trips with the kid to California, Florida, Ohio, North Carolina, Ontario, Quebec, Vermont, New York, and Massachusetts.

• Trip on my own to California.

• Bub learning 5,000 more words (or so it seems).

• Two ACL surgeries for Buddha.

• Traded in our Prius for a minivan.

• Steve upped his fitness game.

• I made strides with my anxiety.

• I finally lost the baby weight and felt like myself again.

• I submitted two works for copyright.

• We both got promoted at work.

• We got pregnant with baby #2.

And yet, the day-to-day feels the same. We get up, try to balance work/Bub/Buddha/ourselves, and all of a sudden, it’s bedtime. We ask the same questions every day: What do you want to eat? When do you have meetings? When are you working out? Who’s putting him down for a nap? Who’s putting him down for bed?

This year, we came face-to-face with what we want for our lives and for our family. We debated where we saw ourselves living, who we want our community to be, whether we were making choices based on fear or fun. These questions have led me to what I want to prioritize in the new year: Who am I? In other words, what is my authentic self if I strip away the anxiety, depression, and insecurity? What do I really want to do if I let go of my fears?

Right now, I don’t know how to make decisions not based on fear. Every decision I’ve made in life has been based on my fears. Fear of being unpopular, overweight, financially unstable, a bad mom. I’m realizing now that making decisions based on fear makes me a coward, a pessimist, a sell-out. When I know deep down that I’m a dreamer, an idealist, an original. 2023 is about finding who I am, amidst the chaos of being a working parent trying to expand her family. Bring it on.