Here We Are

Here we are, at the end of 2022. I think back on the things I wanted to accomplish this year and realize I hit 75% of what I wanted. There are things I never checked off my to-do list and worry if I ever will. But, I’m learning to trust in the timing of the Universe and let go of my own timeline. Sometimes when I look back on my life, I realize the timing worked out better than I had planned.

The milestones from this year were big:

• Trips with the kid to California, Florida, Ohio, North Carolina, Ontario, Quebec, Vermont, New York, and Massachusetts.

• Trip on my own to California.

• Bub learning 5,000 more words (or so it seems).

• Two ACL surgeries for Buddha.

• Traded in our Prius for a minivan.

• Steve upped his fitness game.

• I made strides with my anxiety.

• I finally lost the baby weight and felt like myself again.

• I submitted two works for copyright.

• We both got promoted at work.

• We got pregnant with baby #2.

And yet, the day-to-day feels the same. We get up, try to balance work/Bub/Buddha/ourselves, and all of a sudden, it’s bedtime. We ask the same questions every day: What do you want to eat? When do you have meetings? When are you working out? Who’s putting him down for a nap? Who’s putting him down for bed?

This year, we came face-to-face with what we want for our lives and for our family. We debated where we saw ourselves living, who we want our community to be, whether we were making choices based on fear or fun. These questions have led me to what I want to prioritize in the new year: Who am I? In other words, what is my authentic self if I strip away the anxiety, depression, and insecurity? What do I really want to do if I let go of my fears?

Right now, I don’t know how to make decisions not based on fear. Every decision I’ve made in life has been based on my fears. Fear of being unpopular, overweight, financially unstable, a bad mom. I’m realizing now that making decisions based on fear makes me a coward, a pessimist, a sell-out. When I know deep down that I’m a dreamer, an idealist, an original. 2023 is about finding who I am, amidst the chaos of being a working parent trying to expand her family. Bring it on.

Now Entering 2020

I love this quiet time between Christmas and New Year’s. Work pauses for two weeks. I stay up late watching all the Harry Potter movies and sleep in the next morning. Everything moves at a slower pace. I forget what day of the week it is - it’s glorious.

I also get a chance to reflect and set intentions for the new year and this year, I get to reflect and set intentions for the new decade. What a decade it’s been. Ten years ago, I was about to graduate college and decide what I wanted my first job to be. I was 21, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, and so badly wanted to be with Steve. That meant moving back to Illinois, and I worked hard to find a job there. So set the course for the next decade. I moved from public relations to marketing, from marketing into tech. My relationship with Steve strengthened, not without its ups and downs, of course. Over time, we learned to better communicate, to really listen and acknowledge each other. 2010 to 2020 came with momentous occasions (buying a home, getting married, introducing a puppy into our family, going on epic vacations, achieving dream jobs). The decade also came with heartbreaking lows (losing grandmothers, making a long distance relationship work, watching our loved ones grow old). Sometimes, I get bogged down by the negatives. But as I look back, I realize that the positives have outweighed the negatives.

When it comes to New Year’s resolutions, I usually set intentions each year to eat healthy, workout and meditate every day, lose weight, get promoted. The typical, societal goals most people want. I’ve learned that a strict diet makes me binge more later, that going on a hike is more uplifting than lifting weights, that getting promoted is a temporary happiness. I want to focus less on things and numbers and more on intention and mindset.

As I enter the new decade, I want to:

• Be kinder in the way I speak to myself.

• Let go of perfection and focus on intention.

• Make plans but be okay if they sometimes break.

• Be open to originality.

• Be a good mother.

• Leave room for magic.

In many ways, I’m terrified of the next ten years. In the next decade, I’ll turn 40 (which feels very far away right now). Deep down, I’m dreading wrinkles and grays, lumps, bumps, and becoming plump. I’m anxious about growing a family, figuring out where to do it, and being a patient parent. I’m worried about losses and heartbreaks and how I’ll deal with them. I’m scared of climate change, pollution, and the state of the world.

Breathe. Just breathe. Take it day by day.

Everything will be absolutely fine.