California Calling

When we moved out of California three years ago, we didn’t think we’d be back for a while. And yet, we’ve traveled back twice since then. We just can’t seem to stay away.

This time, we wondered why we left in the first place.

Oakland Hills

We were in a state of flow the entire trip, the most enjoyable one to date with a toddler in tow. It helped that our rental home was high up in the Hills, where we felt like we were floating on clouds. The nicest place we’ve rented, by far.

There were stairs, so many stairs. We counted 50 steps alone to get down to the garden. We embraced them though, our legs now slightly more toned and our cardio slightly improved. The four stories of stairs were well worth the views on views on views.

Sibley Volcanic Regional Preserve

Hiking with a three year-old is interesting. He’s too big for the stroller, which didn’t fare well on the rocky trails anyway. He wanted to stop often to collect and chuck rocks, which didn’t bode well with his father who wanted to hike continuously. And, we underestimated the sun, failing to slather him with sunscreen.

But, we considered it a win getting him out in nature. We breathed in the intoxicating smell of bay leaves, eucalyptus trees, and the super blooms. We said hi to all of the dogs on the trail, missing our own Buddha back in Illinois. Coming from the flatlands, our glutes were grateful for the elevation. When we lived here and hiked Sibley on weekends, we took it for granted. Now, we know how special it is.

While heading back to our trailhead, I went down the slippery slope of asking Bub if he wanted to take a picture of Steve and me. I handed him my phone (on airplane mode) and for the rest of our 10-day trip, he offered to take photos of us - just to feel the phone in his hands. What have I started.

Tilden Little Farm

We came here last year with Bub and it is one of my favorite places for little ones. You can bring your own lettuce and celery to feed the animals. It’s attached to the Tilden Nature Area, giving us the option to hike afterwards. There is something about seeing children gently interact with animals that is such a joy to witness.

Photo by Bub

Mill Valley

Going out for dinner, whether at a restaurant or a friend’s house, became the norm on this trip. I’ve dreamed of having a family that tried all different types of foods and restaurants together. I’m slowly realizing this dream and it took getting over my fear of 1) leaving the house and 2) letting my kid eat something I didn’t cook. Easy for most parents to do. Very hard for me.

In Mill Valley, we went to the Watershed Restaurant, where we ordered the sardines on toast. Crispy sardines on a layer of avocado mash, topped with pickled peppers, on hearty sourdough bread - surprisingly delicious.

After lunch, we looked for a park nearby to take Bub. Steve found Old Mill Park a few minutes away. When we drove up to it, I was in awe. There is a photo on my vision board of a place like this playground. In the photo, a group of children are playing outside at a forest school. Surrounded by tall, strong trees. A place where kids can play freely in nature, in the fresh air. For over an hour, we chucked rocks in the stream, played hide-and-seek between the giant redwoods, and enjoyed a playground so different than the ones we see in Illinois.

Oakland Zoo

We met up with my best friend and his family at the Oakland Zoo, a place with over 11,000 positive Google reviews - the most I’ve ever seen. Before having kids, there was no reason for me to go to any zoo. Wildlife in captivity, overpriced food, children running around like animals. Wouldn’t touch the place with a ten-foot pole. Then I had a kid and was convinced to visit the Oakland Zoo primarily for the gondola ride everyone raves about.

When Bub was a baby, I used to tell Steve that we’d always put Bub’s needs first. We agreed we’d leave any place if Bub ever needed to feed, nap, or go to bed. A nice excuse to have when we wanted to leave a place early. But on this day at the zoo, nobody wanted to leave. Four hours flew by before Steve and I debated whether to stay or go (as Bub tiredly spaced out in the bat exhibit). Excited by all the activities and things to see (the gondola did not disappoint). Full from the cafeteria pizza and hamburger he had for lunch. Exhausted from running in the sun. Thirsty from finishing his milk and only having tap water to drink (I know, I spoil him). We asked ourselves, “Do we let him fall asleep in the wagon? Do we go home now to nap? Do we risk staying a little longer and skip a nap completely?”

I didn’t know what to do. I should put Bub’s needs first. We should have left an hour ago so he could nap in a bed. But, I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to stay and hang out with my friends. Friends I only get to see once a year. I made the not-so-great parenting decision of staying another half an hour and feeding Bub chocolate Dippin’ Dots. We left shortly after and didn’t even get to check out the amusement rides. Pretty sure I was the one who was pouting when we left.

NAPA

Google “kid-friendly wineries in Napa” and Frog’s Leap Winery will appear in the results. Let me tell you that the only “kid-friendly” thing about Frog’s Leap Winery is the garden, albeit a very large and organic garden. I was hoping to order a charcuterie board while Steve sipped some wine, but the winery only offered tastings (which I’m sure is common in Napa given wineries would need to go through the hassle of obtaining food and alcohol licenses). Nevertheless, we had a lovely time running through the flowers, clucking at the chickens, petting the property dog, and pointing out the frogs in the pond.

Steve looked up a couple places nearby we could have lunch at and I chose The Charter Oak Restaurant in Helena solely based on the picture of soft-serve I saw. “I want that,” I told Steve decidedly. “Alrighty,” Steve chuckled as he drove us to the nicest restaurant we’ve ever taken a toddler. Throughout our expensive meal, we caught Bub chucking the housemade playdough the hostess gave us, told Bub repeatedly to put his shoes back on, and tried to convince him to eat a couple of vegetables while he impatiently waited for his ice cream. My only regret is that we didn’t order two soft-serve ice creams.

Friends, food, & fog

Memorial Day weekend was dedicated to seeing our friends and family as much as we could. Difficult with a toddler who finds adult conversations boring. One of us was always entertaining him so that the other could catch up with friends.

Steve and I started to pretend that this was our day-to-day life. We got used to the fog greeting us in the mornings and in the evenings. We remembered to always carry sunscreen with us for when the sun would inevitably appear midday. We thought about which neighborhoods we’d want to live in as we drove through them and which schools we’d want Bub to attend. Even though we’ve made the decision to settle in Illinois, we still wrestle with the dream of coming back west for good. As Steve reassured everyone throughout the week, “It’s not a matter of if. It’s a matter of when.”

The fog in the morning

The view midday

The sunset on a clear night

Goodbye super cool house

Thanks for the photo ops, Bub

Thanks for the largest organic strawberries, Berkeley Bowl

Thanks for the good food and fast service, United Dumplings

Thanks for letting us chat at friends’ houses, Bub, while you sat quietly and ate watermelon

Thank you, Ajanta, for the meal Steve and I look forward to every time we visit

Thanks for letting us borrow the Batmobile, Batman

Days Like These

This trip, he couldn’t get enough of the pool and swimming on his own (with floaties)

The best vacations are the ones where I forget what day it is because one glorious day blends in with the next. Such was the case on our second trip to Florida as a family. We got into an easy routine of waking up, eating breakfast, swimming in the pool, breaking for lunch, taking a nap, going back into the pool, taking a bath, eating dinner, playtime, and then bed.

The days flew by, which is rarely the case back home when we’re trying to entertain Bub all day while balancing work. We decided this time to not bring our laptops and truly disconnect as much as we could. Our skin lapped up the humidity, our hair textured from the chlorine, our bodies tanned by the sun. Quality time together, as a family, with minimal distractions. That’s what I want our vacations together to be about.

The theme for this trip has been going with the flow. Compared to our first trip a year ago, this one has been much more relaxed - mainly due to my headspace. Because we’ve done this trip before, I had a better idea of what to expect and pack. Instead of a large suitcase, we fit everything into a carry-on. Unlike last year when I was still extremely strict about what we fed Bub, we ate at a couple restaurants this trip. I did my best to balance cooking meals and letting him have sweet treats. But, he’s at the age where it’s getting harder to hide snacks and desserts from him. The horror of feeding him non-organic anything a year ago would have given me a panic attack. This time in my pregnant state, we shared popsicles by the pool and near the end of our stay, he had ice cream for dinner.

Restaurants, sugary popsicles, ice cream for dinner?? I don’t know who I am anymore. The drastic difference between Vacation Linda a year ago and Vacation Linda now is wild. I think I like this version more. Sure he’s exposed to things that aren’t necessarily healthy for him (which was going to happen anyway despite my worry). But in return, he has a more relaxed mama who can actually enjoy herself - and him - for a change.

Steve is another huge reason why I’ve become more chill. We’ve learned (painfully) from last year’s vacations what spikes my anxiety. He now does his best to work around them or at least, help me work through them. This pregnancy has also forced Steve to own more of the domestic duties. He habitually does the laundry, no matter what state or house we’re in. He did most of the cooking this trip and almost always cleaned up afterwards. A husband who cooks, cleans, cares for the home, and is an attentive dad. He does it all his own way and perhaps not always the way I would prefer, but I’m finally feeling a load taken off of me.

Parenting is such a trip.

Zonked after a long day of travel the day before, swimming, pizza, and listening to adult conversations about work

Enjoying the sun and warmth as much as possible

Finally got a smile for a photo!

First family trip to the Royal Scoop (make mine a double)

The Naples Children’s Museum is a blast, including an extensive exhibit on India (this is Bub driving me around in a tuk tuk)

We could have spent another hour in the workshop area, but we all needed a nap

Have been wanting to go to the Audubon Corkscrew Swamp Sanctuary for a while

Taking a break at the Otter Watch bench

The swamp where we saw a 12-foot alligator and several baby ones

Exhilarated by the alligator sightings

But, very much tired from the humidity and 2.5 mile walk

One more alligator sighting

Way out yonder where the crawdads sing

Trips to Remember

For the past year, Steve and I have been debating where to settle and move our family. We explored moving to:

• Other areas in Illinois

• California (both the Bay and Santa Barbara)

• Munich, Germany

• Ann Arbor, Michigan

• Vermont

• The Berkshires in Massachusetts

• Upstate New York

I made pro/con list after pro/con list. I researched schools, grocery stores, hospitals, and airports nearby. I inquired about rental homes and calculated expenses and savings for every option. We dreamed about hiking in the Alps, learning to snowboard, going to UMich football games, enrolling Bub in a Waldorf school surrounded by forest. We took every idea and ran with it to see how far we could take it.

In the meantime, Bub went from being a toddler to becoming a kid with his own opinions, desires, and needs. He solidified his relationships with his grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles. He saw himself part of a community…a community I was so desperate to get away from.

Being in Illinois reminds me of a traumatic childhood, of my social anxieties in high school, of my awkwardness. It reminds me of my unfulfilled dreams of becoming a journalist in a big city, of living abroad, of meeting people who would broaden my horizons about the world. There’s so much more I want to do in life and yet, becoming a mom has put almost all of it on hold or moving at a snail’s pace.

Last week, I woke up with an epiphany. Creating distance between Bub and his current community might hinder him more than sending him to a school that uses pesticides, doesn’t serve organic meals, and isn’t in the mountains. I didn’t want him to resent me for moving him across the country to keep him “safe”.

Sure, I’d love to live somewhere with mountains in the backdrop. Yes, I’d love to hike through the forest every day and find a community of moms who prioritized the same things as me. Of course, I wish I was raised elsewhere and my family lived in ritzy New York or tropical Hawaii instead of in-the-middle-of-the-cornfields Illinois.

But, these are the cards I was dealt and I need to make the best of it. And most importantly, I need to do what’s best for my kids.

Steve and our families were ecstatic about my ultimate decision. Steve breathed a sigh of relief and said, “This makes the most sense financially.” My aunt told me, “I knew you’d come around.” My parents responded with, “I told you so.” I was happy our support system was pleased, I guess. We’ll need their help in August when Baby #2 arrives. I mean, what was I going to do in a new state and town when she arrives and we need someone to watch Bub? Do I deliver on my own while Steve watches Bub? Does Bub hang out in the delivery room with us? Do we pray the delivery is short and during Bub’s school hours? Asking a relative to fly to our new home at the drop of a hat seemed like a tall order.

The one thing I hadn’t figured out was what to do with my feelings of settling. Soon after I made my decision, I woke up in the middle of the night in a panic and feeling restless. I needed to get out of Illinois, out of this house, out of the routine of being a mom, even for just a day. I needed to be reminded of how nice home is. I needed to miss it. Steve encouraged me to book a trip somewhere and he encouraged me to do it whenever I was feeling this way. It could be as small as a staycation by myself or as big as a trip to New Zealand. By allowing them/us to stay in Illinois with a support system, I could leave as often as I’d like and go wherever my heart desired (budget depending). This was our compromise, our solution to settling. Go on trips to remember how good I have it at home.

Adler Planetarium

I’ve been meaning to take Bub to the Adler Planetarium since the summer. Finally this weekend, I made the decision that we were going and by golly, we actually did it.

Super Bowl Sunday made for easy traffic and minimal crowds as we drove to the museum plaza. I love this part of the city and have always thought it set apart Chicago from the other biggies. The Field, the Shedd, and the Adler all within a three-minute walk of each other. And against a beautiful skyline and lakefront views at that.

When we got there, I bribed Bub with a chocolate peanut butter cup to pose for a few photos in front of the planetarium. We all squinted at the bright sun and half-smiled for obligatory family photos taken by a stranger walking her dog. I asked Bub if he’d take a couple more and he refused, eager to eat his candy.

Inside the museum, Bub was mesmerized by a hologram on the wall of the welcome walkway. He stared as parts of a rover were assembled in front of him. We then ate a snack in the cafe (he, his peanut butter cup) before making our way to the Sesame Street film playing in the dome theater. Steve was adamant about getting to the theater early to get our choice of seats haha.

Bub’s first time in a movie theater and it was fantastic to be surrounded by kids his age and parents going through the same motions we were. Halfway through the 25-minute show, you could see most of the kids become restless as parents shuffled them from one lap to the next.

After the short film, we wove our way through most of the exhibits. Bub spent 10 minutes steering a spaceship over Mars. We saw gigantic telescopes from the 15th century. He imagined himself manning mission control as he played with a giant touchscreen. He drove rovers, launched rockets, walked through deep space, and pretended to avert an aeronautical crisis with tubes, buttons, and switches. Barely stopping for hydration and belly fuel, we were finally able to convince him to leave after nearly four hours.

The Adler Planetarium was a huge success. I’m not sure who left more hungry and tired, Steve or Bub :)

Here We Are

Here we are, at the end of 2022. I think back on the things I wanted to accomplish this year and realize I hit 75% of what I wanted. There are things I never checked off my to-do list and worry if I ever will. But, I’m learning to trust in the timing of the Universe and let go of my own timeline. Sometimes when I look back on my life, I realize the timing worked out better than I had planned.

The milestones from this year were big:

• Trips with the kid to California, Florida, Ohio, North Carolina, Ontario, Quebec, Vermont, New York, and Massachusetts.

• Trip on my own to California.

• Bub learning 5,000 more words (or so it seems).

• Two ACL surgeries for Buddha.

• Traded in our Prius for a minivan.

• Steve upped his fitness game.

• I made strides with my anxiety.

• I finally lost the baby weight and felt like myself again.

• I submitted two works for copyright.

• We both got promoted at work.

• We got pregnant with baby #2.

And yet, the day-to-day feels the same. We get up, try to balance work/Bub/Buddha/ourselves, and all of a sudden, it’s bedtime. We ask the same questions every day: What do you want to eat? When do you have meetings? When are you working out? Who’s putting him down for a nap? Who’s putting him down for bed?

This year, we came face-to-face with what we want for our lives and for our family. We debated where we saw ourselves living, who we want our community to be, whether we were making choices based on fear or fun. These questions have led me to what I want to prioritize in the new year: Who am I? In other words, what is my authentic self if I strip away the anxiety, depression, and insecurity? What do I really want to do if I let go of my fears?

Right now, I don’t know how to make decisions not based on fear. Every decision I’ve made in life has been based on my fears. Fear of being unpopular, overweight, financially unstable, a bad mom. I’m realizing now that making decisions based on fear makes me a coward, a pessimist, a sell-out. When I know deep down that I’m a dreamer, an idealist, an original. 2023 is about finding who I am, amidst the chaos of being a working parent trying to expand her family. Bring it on.