The Ranch Malibu

Three months ago, I sat at my computer - burnt out and frustrated with my weight and lack of physical activity. I missed feeling confident and strong. I was still harboring most of my baby weight and an emotional heaviness that I couldn’t escape.

At my wit's end, I booked a solo retreat to hopefully clear my head and kickstart a healthier lifestyle.

Now for the first time as a mom, I get to travel on my own. Not for work. Not for friends. Not for family. Not for anyone but myself. For the first time in a long time, I am forcing myself to really focus on my health, my mental wellbeing, and reflect on what my place is in this world.

Ugh, then why am I crying at the airport?

It’s so hard to leave. It’s so hard to rationalize that what I’m doing isn’t selfish, isn’t putting more burden on Steve while he watches Bubba on his own. It’s so hard to say goodbye. To Bubba’s sweet hugs and hilarious toddler sayings. I’m sad I’m going to miss special moments. I’m sad I’ll come back and he’ll have grown an inch and learned 100 more words.

This is:

• My first true vacation in three years.

• My first solo trip as a mom.

• My first time away from Bub for more than a week.

Let's do this.

Where am I

Oh to be back in California! Malibu, to be exact. Being back on the west coast alone relaxes me. The sun, the mountains, the ocean. Perfect 75 degree weather. It always seems to be too hot or too cold in Illinois. But in California, the weather is just right.

What am I doing

The Ranch Malibu is a detox and wellness program that resets our bodies with healthier habits, such as getting up early, eating nutritious meals, and exercising outdoors.

This was my schedule for the week:

5 am: Tibetan chimes wake me up

5:30-6 am: Group stretch

6-7 am: Breakfast and prep for our hike

7-7:30 am: Hop in the sprinter van to take us to our hike

7:30-11:30 am: Hike the Santa Monica mountains

11:30-12 pm: Back to the Ranch

12-1 pm: Lunch and foot soak

1-2 pm: Rest

2-3 pm: Massage

3-4 pm: Fitness class

4-5 pm: Rest

5-6 pm: Yoga

6 pm: Dinner

7 pm: Rest

Why am I doing this

To let my body completely relax. Laying in bed with the windows open for as long as I want, doing absolutely nothing but listening to the birds sing and the leaves of the trees rustle with the breeze.

To reset my body in terms of calories I consume and nutrition intake. I too often resort to chips, simple carbs, and sugar as my meals and think that a salad has too many steps to make. I need to be more disciplined in what I feed my body. I want to eat nutritiously because I love my body, not because I loathe it.

To remind myself how much I love hiking and being outdoors.

To find myself. Having a baby plus the pandemic made me feel like my entire being had been overthrown by a dictator named Anxiety. This retreat was meant for me to take ME back.

What I’ve learned

I learned that I don't need large amounts of food. I need small amounts of nutritious food throughout the day. Instead of chips, I should reach for fruit and nuts. A salad can be hearty with lentils and roasted potatoes. Drink water before meals and hot herbal tea afterwards.

I learned that I sleep better without caffeine.

I learned practical lessons like how to mitigate my shoulder tension, which is where I carry most of my worries, aches, and pains. They find their way up through my neck and to my head, where I suffer horrible headaches. This trip taught me the correct way to wear a backpack. Using a backpack with a waist strap took the weight off of my shoulders. It also taught me that a good massage therapist can eradicate my migraine without the need for ibuprofen.

I learned I need to drink small sips of water throughout my hike (and throughout my day). In the past, I tended to drink water only at the end of a long trek. On a four hour sweaty hike, I should consume at least 100 ounces of water.

I learned the importance of community. I truly loved every single interaction during my stay and got emotional when I had to say goodbye. Everyone - from the retreat staff to the partakers - was truly a joy to get to know and I found my soul so full from our conversations.

I learned that I am worthy of a retreat, a reset, a rejuvenation. I found comfort in talking to the moms I met this week. The consensus is that finding time for ourselves as moms is really hard but we have to be intentional about it. This retreat shouldn't be a treat. It should be a requirement.

Haven’t had a bed to myself in forever

Figuring out the walkie talkie took a minute

Plastic-free soap!

The exfoliating bar soap was the best

Up the hill to the main house

The cutest courtyard

Foot soak time (aromatherapy thanks to the organic garden)

Breakfast #1

Lunch #1

The living room of my dreams

The dining room of my dreams

Massage houses

Classic California Spanish Colonial architecture

The Barn, where fitness and yoga classes were held

Only complaint: I wish the place invested in renewable energy

Pool time

The quality of everything was unreal - down to the wooden umbrella stands

Pepper Tree Lane

Heading into the garden

The organic garden of my dreams

Hike #1

Learned all about the flora and fauna: California Everlasting smells like maple syrup, California Black Sage smells like bubblegum, Sagebrush was nicknamed “Cowboy's cologne”

Lunch #2

Hike #2

Sweaty, covered in sticky sunscreen, but feeling so strong

Hike #3

Lunch #3

Hike #4

Lunch in the garden

Lunch #4

They tasted like honey

Hike #5

Missing these hikes already

Back to Cali

In December, the week before Christmas, this little family got COVID. While we threw ourselves a pity party during our week of quarantining, we planned a trip to California. Armed with antibodies, we were ready to open up our world.

As I booked flights and Airbnbs, I knew the trip would give me anxiety, but it felt so far away. I filed the trip anxiety under “Read later”.

Then, the week leading into our trip, I was a ball of nerves. One minute I’d be looking forward to hearing the ocean waves and being surrounded by forest. The next, I’d worry about whether the Ubers getting us to and from the airport would smell like cigarette smoke. Traveling with a kid is a thousand times harder than traveling on my own.

There are so many details to think about when vacationing with Bubba. (Is it really a “vacation” when your kid is with you?) Snacks to bring on the plane for him. How many diapers to bring. Whether to bring a box of pasta if we get to our first Airbnb too late at night. What to pack in the carry-ons in case our suitcases get lost. The list goes on for pages.

Of course, most of these details are rooted in fear and anxiety. Now that I look back on our trip, most of my fears didn’t happen. I wish I were a more carefree parent. I wish I didn’t care about so many things when it comes to my child. I wish my mind didn’t jump to so many “what ifs” and feel the need to have a plan for everything. Life, for myself and everyone around me, would be so much easier.

Somehow, this trip forced me to let go of things that would normally bother me at home. There were times we couldn’t wash Bub’s hands before he ate. There were times I couldn’t cook a homemade meal for him. There were times we let him watch TV for two hours so we could catch up with friends.

But, my letting go also created memorable experiences. On our trip, Bub went to a restaurant for the first time and ate his first French fry. He ate his first chocolate chip cookie. He hung out with Steve while I went to the office for the first time in two years.

This trip marked two years of living in Illinois; two years of being parents; two years of pandemic isolation. Exactly two years after we left California, we were back. Bub in tow.

We drove down roads we frequented in our Prius with Buddha in the backseat. This time, we were in a minivan with Bub in a car seat. I was happy to be amongst the trees and seas again. I loved being able to go to a new hiking trail each day. I loved letting Bub play with sticks and stones and dump dirt on his boots. I loved when we pointed out to him the tiny roly poly crossing the trail. I loved watching him collect rocks and chuck them across a ravine. I’ve missed being completely immersed in nature and have it be so close by. The Bay has a distinct smell to it - piney, herby, earthy. Hiking through the trails again, the smell and the nostalgia of two years ago came flooding back. Breathing it in deeply, I felt calmer, more grounded. Steve joked that I had to go to the edge of the earth in order to feel a sense of peace.

This trip was full of firsts for Bub and each of his firsts is a first for me as his mama. First flight for Bub means first flight for me with a toddler. First restaurant experience for Bub means first restaurant experience for me with him. One of the best parts about a trip is the unknown, the uncertainty, the sense of adventure. For this anxious mom, new things mean risk and danger. This trip taught me that the pros of adventure outweigh the cons. Life should be about fun and adventure, and that’s what I want to teach Reg.

My wise friend gave me wonderful advice before the trip. She said, “When your mind jumps to worst case scenario, force yourself to also think about the best case.” And isn’t “best case” the very reason we plan trips in the first place?

Dillon Beach & Point Reyes

Berkeley

Half Moon Bay