the ranch — Musings

Three months ago, I sat at my computer - burnt out and frustrated with my weight and lack of physical activity. I missed feeling confident and strong. I was still harboring most of my baby weight and an emotional heaviness that I couldn’t escape.

At my wit's end, I booked a solo retreat to hopefully clear my head and kickstart a healthier lifestyle.

Now for the first time as a mom, I get to travel on my own. Not for work. Not for friends. Not for family. Not for anyone but myself. For the first time in a long time, I am forcing myself to really focus on my health, my mental wellbeing, and reflect on what my place is in this world.

Ugh, then why am I crying at the airport?

It’s so hard to leave. It’s so hard to rationalize that what I’m doing isn’t selfish, isn’t putting more burden on Steve while he watches Bubba on his own. It’s so hard to say goodbye. To Bubba’s sweet hugs and hilarious toddler sayings. I’m sad I’m going to miss special moments. I’m sad I’ll come back and he’ll have grown an inch and learned 100 more words.

This is:

My first true vacation in three years.
My first solo trip as a mom.
My first time away from Bub for more than a week.

Let's do this.

Where am I

Oh to be back in California! Malibu, to be exact. Being back on the west coast alone relaxes me. The sun, the mountains, the ocean. Perfect 75 degree weather. It always seems to be too hot or too cold in Illinois. But in California, the weather is just right.

What am I doing

The Ranch Malibu is a detox and wellness program that resets our bodies with healthier habits, such as getting up early, eating nutritious meals, and exercising outdoors.

This was my schedule for the week:

5 am: Tibetan chimes wake me up

5:30-6 am: Group stretch

6-7 am: Breakfast and prep for our hike

7-7:30 am: Hop in the sprinter van to take us to our hike

7:30-11:30 am: Hike the Santa Monica mountains

11:30-12 pm: Back to the Ranch

12-1 pm: Lunch and foot soak

1-2 pm: Rest

2-3 pm: Massage

3-4 pm: Fitness class

4-5 pm: Rest

5-6 pm: Yoga

6 pm: Dinner

7 pm: Rest

Why am I doing this

To let my body completely relax. Laying in bed with the windows open for as long as I want, doing absolutely nothing but listening to the birds sing and the leaves of the trees rustle with the breeze.

To reset my body in terms of calories I consume and nutrition intake. I too often resort to chips, simple carbs, and sugar as my meals and think that a salad has too many steps to make. I need to be more disciplined in what I feed my body. I want to eat nutritiously because I love my body, not because I loathe it.

To remind myself how much I love hiking and being outdoors.

To find myself. Having a baby plus the pandemic made me feel like my entire being had been overthrown by a dictator named Anxiety. This retreat was meant for me to take ME back.

What I’ve learned

I learned that I don't need large amounts of food. I need small amounts of nutritious food throughout the day. Instead of chips, I should reach for fruit and nuts. A salad can be hearty with lentils and roasted potatoes. Drink water before meals and hot herbal tea afterwards.

I learned that I sleep better without caffeine.

I learned practical lessons like how to mitigate my shoulder tension, which is where I carry most of my worries, aches, and pains. They find their way up through my neck and to my head, where I suffer horrible headaches. This trip taught me the correct way to wear a backpack. Using a backpack with a waist strap took the weight off of my shoulders. It also taught me that a good massage therapist can eradicate my migraine without the need for ibuprofen.

I learned I need to drink small sips of water throughout my hike (and throughout my day). In the past, I tended to drink water only at the end of a long trek. On a four hour sweaty hike, I should consume at least 100 ounces of water.

I learned the importance of community. I truly loved every single interaction during my stay and got emotional when I had to say goodbye. Everyone - from the retreat staff to the partakers - was truly a joy to get to know and I found my soul so full from our conversations.

I learned that I am worthy of a retreat, a reset, a rejuvenation. I found comfort in talking to the moms I met this week. The consensus is that finding time for ourselves as moms is really hard but we have to be intentional about it. This retreat shouldn't be a treat. It should be a requirement.

Foot soak time (aromatherapy thanks to the organic garden)

The Barn, where fitness and yoga classes were held

Only complaint: I wish the place invested in renewable energy

The quality of everything was unreal - down to the wooden umbrella stands

California Everlasting smells like maple syrup, California Black Sage smells like bubblegum, Sagebrush (aka Cowboy's cologne) — Learned all about the flora and fauna: California Everlasting smells like maple syrup, California Black Sage smells like bubblegum, Sagebrush was nicknamed “Cowboy's cologne”