Feel the Illinoise

Every summer, I am without fail bombarded with photos of people’s glamorous vacations. Drinking vino in Portofino. Roadtripping across New Zealand. Ramen-shop hopping in Tokyo. From celebrities to friends to acquaintances, it feels like everyone took an epic vacation this summer but me.

It almost entices me to book an international getaway.

Almost.

As I Google “nonstop flights to Oslo”, I’m reminded of how wiggly G is and how much she’d hate being cooped up on a plane for 9 hours. How restless Bub would be waiting at a busy baggage claim when all he wants to do is run around. How neither of them could care less about trying new cuisine, taking photos, and admiring scenic landscapes.

They don’t care where we are. They want freedom to play. They want food when they want it. They just want to be with Steve and me.

As much as my free-spirited, restless heart wants to roam the earth, it’s not the right time.

So instead, we made the most of our summer staying local. We visited every nature center in the county, played in our neighbor’s garden, and treated my sister’s home like an Airbnb when she went on a trip.

Now with the sun setting earlier, the temps getting cooler, and the trees beginning to turn, I look back fondly on our summer. The summer Bub was four and G was a baby.

The Morton Arboretum

Fabyan Villa Museum & Japanese Garden

Hickory Knolls Discovery Center

Springbrook Prairie

Shabbona Lake State Park

HOME

My Sister’s

New England, New Memories

Sometimes the camera can see what I can’t, sometimes it’s the other way around. I can see what my camera can’t. When it comes to fall foliage, my camera just couldn’t do it justice.

In Michigan, the colors were blooming. In Canada and Vermont, most of the trees were bare. The cold winds having blown most of the leaves off their branches. But oddly, they’re where I took some of my favorite photos. In Massachusetts and New York, the valleys were in their prime, covered in majestic golds, auburn, and rose. The same in Pennsylvania which we drove through as the sun started to rise - its golden rays beaming onto the sweeping landscape of every shade of rustic imaginable. Yellows, oranges, reds - oh my!

While Bubba napped in the van, Steve and I took in the foliage blanketing the hills. We’d be talking about random things and then stop mid-sentence to point out the breathtaking russet colors. October is officially my favorite time to road-trip.

For three weeks in October, we explored the east coast. Driving from Chicago and stopping in Ann Arbor, MI along the way. We spent a week in Canada, visiting family in Montreal. We then drove down to Vermont for a week and the Berkshires for another before making our way back home.

My happiest memories of our trip were outdoors. Watching Bub play with goats and chickens at an Airbnb outside of London, Ontario. Early one evening, we spent an hour playing under a huge flowy tree. Enjoying the autumn sun and the falling leaves, we chased each other around and wrestled to the ground. The same can be said for our time with relatives in Montreal, where my favorite moment was watching everyone play Sandman at the nearby park. We lucked out with a warm morning, the leaves on the surrounding trees were flaming red and orange, the streets were quiet from traffic. As I write this post, I can still hear the sound of kids (and adults) laughing. As they darted to and from playground sets, one would yell, “Sandman!”

In Vermont, I relished the freedom of letting Bub roam the secluded property we stayed on. There was a pond at the front of the house, where we chucked rocks and searched for frogs for hours. Whenever our hearts desired, we could walk the wooded trail on the property and listen to the serenity of the trickling stream below. One evening, Buddha and I sat outside and watched the sunset. Breathing in the crisp fall air in Vermont, completely alone - just my dog and me. It was so peaceful and magical.

In the Berkshires, we were amazed at how hiking to a waterfall, shopping at an organic co-op, and eating at a delicious patisserie were within a 20 minute reach. There was always something different to do and explore. The vibe reminded us of California, though the aesthetic was very much New England. We felt strangely at home.

There were ticks. There were triggers. Bub ate his weight in snacks in the van, smoked sausages for breakfast, and went a day or two without eating something green. But, this trip brought us closer to what makes us happy and gave us closure on what we want the next chapter of our life to look like. For that, I’m grateful.

Ann Arbor

Nelson Meade County Farm Park

Munched on apples, flew kites, climbed boulders

London, Ontario

Cockiest cock

Goats nibbling my sweater

Sweet baby Grace

Jack to the Jill

Bub’s first trip to the mall

Unknowingly went through entrance with arcade

Montreal

Mount Royal Park

My cousin’s wife makes amazing homemade Afghan food

Been dreaming about her aush noodle soup since the last time we visited

Bub’s first shaved ice and bubble tea experience

Gardens of Light at the Montreal Botanical Garden

Vermont

Maple candy at Baird Farm

Give me all the organic maple syrup

Berkshires

Hawthorne Valley Farm Store had organic items I’d never seen before

Race Brook Falls

“Mom, can you take a picture of me?”

Thank you, New England

“Autumn is a second spring, where every leaf is a flower.”

— Albert Camus

The Ranch Malibu

Three months ago, I sat at my computer - burnt out and frustrated with my weight and lack of physical activity. I missed feeling confident and strong. I was still harboring most of my baby weight and an emotional heaviness that I couldn’t escape.

At my wit's end, I booked a solo retreat to hopefully clear my head and kickstart a healthier lifestyle.

Now for the first time as a mom, I get to travel on my own. Not for work. Not for friends. Not for family. Not for anyone but myself. For the first time in a long time, I am forcing myself to really focus on my health, my mental wellbeing, and reflect on what my place is in this world.

Ugh, then why am I crying at the airport?

It’s so hard to leave. It’s so hard to rationalize that what I’m doing isn’t selfish, isn’t putting more burden on Steve while he watches Bubba on his own. It’s so hard to say goodbye. To Bubba’s sweet hugs and hilarious toddler sayings. I’m sad I’m going to miss special moments. I’m sad I’ll come back and he’ll have grown an inch and learned 100 more words.

This is:

• My first true vacation in three years.

• My first solo trip as a mom.

• My first time away from Bub for more than a week.

Let's do this.

Where am I

Oh to be back in California! Malibu, to be exact. Being back on the west coast alone relaxes me. The sun, the mountains, the ocean. Perfect 75 degree weather. It always seems to be too hot or too cold in Illinois. But in California, the weather is just right.

What am I doing

The Ranch Malibu is a detox and wellness program that resets our bodies with healthier habits, such as getting up early, eating nutritious meals, and exercising outdoors.

This was my schedule for the week:

5 am: Tibetan chimes wake me up

5:30-6 am: Group stretch

6-7 am: Breakfast and prep for our hike

7-7:30 am: Hop in the sprinter van to take us to our hike

7:30-11:30 am: Hike the Santa Monica mountains

11:30-12 pm: Back to the Ranch

12-1 pm: Lunch and foot soak

1-2 pm: Rest

2-3 pm: Massage

3-4 pm: Fitness class

4-5 pm: Rest

5-6 pm: Yoga

6 pm: Dinner

7 pm: Rest

Why am I doing this

To let my body completely relax. Laying in bed with the windows open for as long as I want, doing absolutely nothing but listening to the birds sing and the leaves of the trees rustle with the breeze.

To reset my body in terms of calories I consume and nutrition intake. I too often resort to chips, simple carbs, and sugar as my meals and think that a salad has too many steps to make. I need to be more disciplined in what I feed my body. I want to eat nutritiously because I love my body, not because I loathe it.

To remind myself how much I love hiking and being outdoors.

To find myself. Having a baby plus the pandemic made me feel like my entire being had been overthrown by a dictator named Anxiety. This retreat was meant for me to take ME back.

What I’ve learned

I learned that I don't need large amounts of food. I need small amounts of nutritious food throughout the day. Instead of chips, I should reach for fruit and nuts. A salad can be hearty with lentils and roasted potatoes. Drink water before meals and hot herbal tea afterwards.

I learned that I sleep better without caffeine.

I learned practical lessons like how to mitigate my shoulder tension, which is where I carry most of my worries, aches, and pains. They find their way up through my neck and to my head, where I suffer horrible headaches. This trip taught me the correct way to wear a backpack. Using a backpack with a waist strap took the weight off of my shoulders. It also taught me that a good massage therapist can eradicate my migraine without the need for ibuprofen.

I learned I need to drink small sips of water throughout my hike (and throughout my day). In the past, I tended to drink water only at the end of a long trek. On a four hour sweaty hike, I should consume at least 100 ounces of water.

I learned the importance of community. I truly loved every single interaction during my stay and got emotional when I had to say goodbye. Everyone - from the retreat staff to the partakers - was truly a joy to get to know and I found my soul so full from our conversations.

I learned that I am worthy of a retreat, a reset, a rejuvenation. I found comfort in talking to the moms I met this week. The consensus is that finding time for ourselves as moms is really hard but we have to be intentional about it. This retreat shouldn't be a treat. It should be a requirement.

Haven’t had a bed to myself in forever

Figuring out the walkie talkie took a minute

Plastic-free soap!

The exfoliating bar soap was the best

Up the hill to the main house

The cutest courtyard

Foot soak time (aromatherapy thanks to the organic garden)

Breakfast #1

Lunch #1

The living room of my dreams

The dining room of my dreams

Massage houses

Classic California Spanish Colonial architecture

The Barn, where fitness and yoga classes were held

Only complaint: I wish the place invested in renewable energy

Pool time

The quality of everything was unreal - down to the wooden umbrella stands

Pepper Tree Lane

Heading into the garden

The organic garden of my dreams

Hike #1

Learned all about the flora and fauna: California Everlasting smells like maple syrup, California Black Sage smells like bubblegum, Sagebrush was nicknamed “Cowboy's cologne”

Lunch #2

Hike #2

Sweaty, covered in sticky sunscreen, but feeling so strong

Hike #3

Lunch #3

Hike #4

Lunch in the garden

Lunch #4

They tasted like honey

Hike #5

Missing these hikes already

Sunshine State

After our first trip/flights with Bub, this Florida one felt easier. Though, flying into RSW is much easier than flying into SFO, which we flew into on our first trip. I used to love the pace and chaos of behemoth international airports. As a mom, I despise them. These days, I take into account whether an airport I’m flying into with my child is more or less congested than a neighboring option.

Is traveling with a kid still stressful regardless of the airport? Yes.

Is traveling with a kid a vacation or just relocating the work? The latter.

Is traveling with a kid still worth it? Yes.

After a long winter, we welcomed the Florida sunshine. We hopped in the pool as soon as we arrived and quickly fell into a rhythm of: sleep, swim, eat, repeat. I almost wrote “relaxing rhythm” but was it truly “relaxing”? I’m learning that traveling with a kid is full of contradictions. There were times of relaxation on our trip, for sure. (I read an entire book, “Where the Crawdads Sing", which I highly recommend.) But, it’s always stressful for me to be in new environments with Bub. At home, my anxiety is already pretty high. When we travel, my anxiety becomes even more heightened. Not only is my anxiety taxing on my own mind and body, it’s taxing for the family, especially Steve.

I can only imagine what it’s like for Steve to be married to someone so anxious. I interrogate him with questions as my mind ruminates. Has anyone smoked cigarettes in the house where we’re staying? Is there a carbon monoxide alarm? Is there filtered water? What if the neighbors smoke and we’re outside in the pool? Do iguanas bite?

Despite the below photos, being in the sunshine state doesn’t equate to always having a sunshine-y state of mind. I’m working on it.

FIRST FAMILY PHOTO SESH ON THE BEACH

(One of us ate lots of sand)

First Family Vacay

After more than a year cooped up in my parents’ home, I needed to get away. Quarantine was getting the best of me. I didn’t leave the house except to go grocery shopping every two weeks. I missed being out in nature. I missed the Bay, where we walked along the beach and hiked in the woods every weekend.

At my wit’s end and on Steve’s suggestion, I booked an extended stay for us in Michigan. The Airbnb was 10 minutes from most beaches and forest preserves and only a two-hour drive from where we were in Illinois. It offered a fenced yard for the dog, filtered water for formula, and the owner was nice enough to pause pesticide use during our stay.

At last, we had something to look forward to.

The day finally came for us to make our way to Michigan. The car was packed full of Bub’s stuff: highchair, Pack n’ Play, formula, clothes, diapers, bottles, snacks. The two most stressful parts of the trip were packing to leave for it and packing to come home. While one person watches the baby, the other person packs - switching on and off until we’re ready to go.

When we arrived at our Airbnb, I immediately wanted to turn around and go home. ‘I’ve made a terrible mistake,’ I thought. In my eyes, the place was dirty, covered in glitter (the bane of my existence), and it smelled strongly of artificial air freshener. My senses were overwhelmed and the Highly Sensitive Person in me was panicking. A year ago, these things wouldn’t have mattered as much. As a mom now, they freak me out because I am constantly worried about creating a safe space for my child. Whyyyyy did I leave our little bubble?

Miraculously, we got through our first night. Unloading the car, unpacking Bub’s things, scrounging up his dinner - somehow we did it. But, I was homesick for my parents’. I missed having everything I needed and knowing where everything was. I didn’t realize how hard traveling with a baby would be; I was kicking myself for not having thought through all the little things.

I had a silver lining. As we were getting ready for Bub’s bedtime, he was rolling around on our bed, laughing and having the time of his life. His eyes shone with pure happiness. His smile melted my heart. He wasn’t homesick at all. Home is where mom and dad are.

❤️❤️❤️

Throughout our stay, I would learn to let go. This was Bub’s first time in an entirely new environment. He was exposed to so many things. Some good. Some bad. At some point, I had to learn to let go of wanting to control everything.

Beaches mean sand and sand gets everywhere. Wooded areas mean mosquito spray and people in Michigan spray pesticides just like they do in Illinois. Some people smoke cigarettes and smoke dissipates into the air we breathe. No home, no Airbnb, no hotel, no place is perfect. Bub gets into things (like all toddlers). He’s going to prefer playing with the dog food bowl and the garbage than any of his toys. I can’t keep him away from all harm.

Here’s the thing about control, it stems from anxiety. While I am panicking and worrying about what he’s eating or breathing in, he is completely happy. He looks up at me with a big grin and bright eyes. I try to take a deep breath and just let things be.