Autumnal Awe

I always get a little sad when October is over. October offers last calls on summer weather, gifting us 80 degree days here and there. October provides school day nostalgia, reminding me of mine and Steve’s first homecoming dance many moons ago. October kicks off the first holiday of the season, the best one in my opinion.

It’s no question that Halloween is this family’s favorite holiday. This month, Steve has found joy in decorating the outside of our house with ghosts, skeletons, and spiders. Bub dressed up as Iron Man/Boy and went trick-or-treating for the first time (I don’t think he fully comprehended the concept of holidays last year). It was so fun to watch Bub excitedly hand out candy to trick-or-treaters.

To me, November means winter is undeniably on its way. Sure enough, it snowed and hailed on Halloween. The leaves have fallen and the trees are bare. The air has shifted from brisk to bitter. I have to bundle up in a scarf, heavy boots, and a shapeless coat to go outside.

October 2023 was jam-packed with weekend activities. There were many October birthdays to celebrate across our friends and family. Every weekend felt special. And, every weekend involved cake. On top of this, my aunt from Taiwan came to stay and the following week, my cousin and her husband traveled from Taiwan to spend time with us. It's always so special to have our overseas relatives visit. I've really missed them. It’s not until I see them that I realize a piece of my heart sits halfway across the world. They left on October 31st - the perfect cap to an eventful month.

Over the past few weeks, G has seemingly doubled in size. She recognizes sounds and faces. She is so smiley, gifting us with moments of pure happiness when everything around us feels chaotic. Her neck is getting stronger each day. Her favorite activity is being held and walked around while she faces outward. Her neck standing strong on her shoulders as she observes her world with wide eyes. Over the past few days, she’s been sleeping longer in her bassinet - much to Steve’s relief since he usually does the night shift with her.

Meanwhile, Bub has seemingly grown several inches. He no longer needs a step stool to wash his hands or pee in the toilet. At drop-off, he eagerly runs into his preschool classroom. We’ve watched him learn in leaps and bounds with his teachers and classmates - reciting entire songs and identifying letters that previously took us months to get him to learn. He’s swimming like a fish during his weekly swim lessons. He’s playing more independently and growing more patient. He’s officially potty-trained. While I miss his toddler days, I love that I get to witness the confident, curious, kind kid he’s becoming.

Though we are more stretched than ever and have little time to ourselves, Steve and I are the strongest we’ve been since becoming parents. When Bub was born, my anxiety and hormones almost broke us. Now as second-time parents, we’re learning from the first go around. I’ve found us speaking to each other in a nicer way, more patient with each other’s shortcomings, and being able to identify earlier when the other needs something. Seasons change and the phases of our children will come and go. It was the two of us before kids and it’ll be the two of us when they leave the nest.

October in a nutshell

Now Entering 2020

I love this quiet time between Christmas and New Year’s. Work pauses for two weeks. I stay up late watching all the Harry Potter movies and sleep in the next morning. Everything moves at a slower pace. I forget what day of the week it is - it’s glorious.

I also get a chance to reflect and set intentions for the new year and this year, I get to reflect and set intentions for the new decade. What a decade it’s been. Ten years ago, I was about to graduate college and decide what I wanted my first job to be. I was 21, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, and so badly wanted to be with Steve. That meant moving back to Illinois, and I worked hard to find a job there. So set the course for the next decade. I moved from public relations to marketing, from marketing into tech. My relationship with Steve strengthened, not without its ups and downs, of course. Over time, we learned to better communicate, to really listen and acknowledge each other. 2010 to 2020 came with momentous occasions (buying a home, getting married, introducing a puppy into our family, going on epic vacations, achieving dream jobs). The decade also came with heartbreaking lows (losing grandmothers, making a long distance relationship work, watching our loved ones grow old). Sometimes, I get bogged down by the negatives. But as I look back, I realize that the positives have outweighed the negatives.

When it comes to New Year’s resolutions, I usually set intentions each year to eat healthy, workout and meditate every day, lose weight, get promoted. The typical, societal goals most people want. I’ve learned that a strict diet makes me binge more later, that going on a hike is more uplifting than lifting weights, that getting promoted is a temporary happiness. I want to focus less on things and numbers and more on intention and mindset.

As I enter the new decade, I want to:

• Be kinder in the way I speak to myself.

• Let go of perfection and focus on intention.

• Make plans but be okay if they sometimes break.

• Be open to originality.

• Be a good mother.

• Leave room for magic.

In many ways, I’m terrified of the next ten years. In the next decade, I’ll turn 40 (which feels very far away right now). Deep down, I’m dreading wrinkles and grays, lumps, bumps, and becoming plump. I’m anxious about growing a family, figuring out where to do it, and being a patient parent. I’m worried about losses and heartbreaks and how I’ll deal with them. I’m scared of climate change, pollution, and the state of the world.

Breathe. Just breathe. Take it day by day.

Everything will be absolutely fine.