Autumnal Awe

I always get a little sad when October is over. October offers last calls on summer weather, gifting us 80 degree days here and there. October provides school day nostalgia, reminding me of mine and Steve’s first homecoming dance many moons ago. October kicks off the first holiday of the season, the best one in my opinion.

It’s no question that Halloween is this family’s favorite holiday. This month, Steve has found joy in decorating the outside of our house with ghosts, skeletons, and spiders. Bub dressed up as Iron Man/Boy and went trick-or-treating for the first time (I don’t think he fully comprehended the concept of holidays last year). It was so fun to watch Bub excitedly hand out candy to trick-or-treaters.

To me, November means winter is undeniably on its way. Sure enough, it snowed and hailed on Halloween. The leaves have fallen and the trees are bare. The air has shifted from brisk to bitter. I have to bundle up in a scarf, heavy boots, and a shapeless coat to go outside.

October 2023 was jam-packed with weekend activities. There were many October birthdays to celebrate across our friends and family. Every weekend felt special. And, every weekend involved cake. On top of this, my aunt from Taiwan came to stay and the following week, my cousin and her husband traveled from Taiwan to spend time with us. It's always so special to have our overseas relatives visit. I've really missed them. It’s not until I see them that I realize a piece of my heart sits halfway across the world. They left on October 31st - the perfect cap to an eventful month.

Over the past few weeks, G has seemingly doubled in size. She recognizes sounds and faces. She is so smiley, gifting us with moments of pure happiness when everything around us feels chaotic. Her neck is getting stronger each day. Her favorite activity is being held and walked around while she faces outward. Her neck standing strong on her shoulders as she observes her world with wide eyes. Over the past few days, she’s been sleeping longer in her bassinet - much to Steve’s relief since he usually does the night shift with her.

Meanwhile, Bub has seemingly grown several inches. He no longer needs a step stool to wash his hands or pee in the toilet. At drop-off, he eagerly runs into his preschool classroom. We’ve watched him learn in leaps and bounds with his teachers and classmates - reciting entire songs and identifying letters that previously took us months to get him to learn. He’s swimming like a fish during his weekly swim lessons. He’s playing more independently and growing more patient. He’s officially potty-trained. While I miss his toddler days, I love that I get to witness the confident, curious, kind kid he’s becoming.

Though we are more stretched than ever and have little time to ourselves, Steve and I are the strongest we’ve been since becoming parents. When Bub was born, my anxiety and hormones almost broke us. Now as second-time parents, we’re learning from the first go around. I’ve found us speaking to each other in a nicer way, more patient with each other’s shortcomings, and being able to identify earlier when the other needs something. Seasons change and the phases of our children will come and go. It was the two of us before kids and it’ll be the two of us when they leave the nest.

October in a nutshell

New England, New Memories

Sometimes the camera can see what I can’t, sometimes it’s the other way around. I can see what my camera can’t. When it comes to fall foliage, my camera just couldn’t do it justice.

In Michigan, the colors were blooming. In Canada and Vermont, most of the trees were bare. The cold winds having blown most of the leaves off their branches. But oddly, they’re where I took some of my favorite photos. In Massachusetts and New York, the valleys were in their prime, covered in majestic golds, auburn, and rose. The same in Pennsylvania which we drove through as the sun started to rise - its golden rays beaming onto the sweeping landscape of every shade of rustic imaginable. Yellows, oranges, reds - oh my!

While Bubba napped in the van, Steve and I took in the foliage blanketing the hills. We’d be talking about random things and then stop mid-sentence to point out the breathtaking russet colors. October is officially my favorite time to road-trip.

For three weeks in October, we explored the east coast. Driving from Chicago and stopping in Ann Arbor, MI along the way. We spent a week in Canada, visiting family in Montreal. We then drove down to Vermont for a week and the Berkshires for another before making our way back home.

My happiest memories of our trip were outdoors. Watching Bub play with goats and chickens at an Airbnb outside of London, Ontario. Early one evening, we spent an hour playing under a huge flowy tree. Enjoying the autumn sun and the falling leaves, we chased each other around and wrestled to the ground. The same can be said for our time with relatives in Montreal, where my favorite moment was watching everyone play Sandman at the nearby park. We lucked out with a warm morning, the leaves on the surrounding trees were flaming red and orange, the streets were quiet from traffic. As I write this post, I can still hear the sound of kids (and adults) laughing. As they darted to and from playground sets, one would yell, “Sandman!”

In Vermont, I relished the freedom of letting Bub roam the secluded property we stayed on. There was a pond at the front of the house, where we chucked rocks and searched for frogs for hours. Whenever our hearts desired, we could walk the wooded trail on the property and listen to the serenity of the trickling stream below. One evening, Buddha and I sat outside and watched the sunset. Breathing in the crisp fall air in Vermont, completely alone - just my dog and me. It was so peaceful and magical.

In the Berkshires, we were amazed at how hiking to a waterfall, shopping at an organic co-op, and eating at a delicious patisserie were within a 20 minute reach. There was always something different to do and explore. The vibe reminded us of California, though the aesthetic was very much New England. We felt strangely at home.

There were ticks. There were triggers. Bub ate his weight in snacks in the van, smoked sausages for breakfast, and went a day or two without eating something green. But, this trip brought us closer to what makes us happy and gave us closure on what we want the next chapter of our life to look like. For that, I’m grateful.

Ann Arbor

Nelson Meade County Farm Park

Munched on apples, flew kites, climbed boulders

London, Ontario

Cockiest cock

Goats nibbling my sweater

Sweet baby Grace

Jack to the Jill

Bub’s first trip to the mall

Unknowingly went through entrance with arcade

Montreal

Mount Royal Park

My cousin’s wife makes amazing homemade Afghan food

Been dreaming about her aush noodle soup since the last time we visited

Bub’s first shaved ice and bubble tea experience

Gardens of Light at the Montreal Botanical Garden

Vermont

Maple candy at Baird Farm

Give me all the organic maple syrup

Berkshires

Hawthorne Valley Farm Store had organic items I’d never seen before

Race Brook Falls

“Mom, can you take a picture of me?”

Thank you, New England

“Autumn is a second spring, where every leaf is a flower.”

— Albert Camus

Snapshots in Time

I spent months looking for just the right shoes for Bub to wear, hours debating what color sweater Steve should have on, and my free time deciding which jeans looked best on me. I planned the heck out of our family photo session because I envisioned glorious fall foliage in Vermont and our happy family glowing in the warm autumn sun.

When the session finally arrived, Bub refused to wear the shoes I chose for him. He refused to get his photo taken - literally walking away when our photographer, Amelia, tried to take our photo and screaming when we tried to pick him up. His pants were too baggy, my top was too loose, and I didn't like the way my hair looked. On top of my tantrum-throwing toddler and all the little things bothering me, the leaves had fallen off the trees by the day of our session and it was a very chilly, cloudy day. I lamented getting the coldest day of the week for our photos. I saw my dreams for the session fade away.

So much planning, so much excitement - all to have it dashed by the weather and my uncooperative toddler. Two things very much out of my control. When the photographer left, I stood in the bathroom and cried. Did we even get a single good photo? I give e v e r y t h i n g to my child and he couldn’t bring himself to listen to me for an hour.

Why do family photos matter this much to me? Because Bub reminds me everyday that life is moving too quickly. In a flash, he’ll be fifteen. Hell, I’m not looking any younger these days either. These photos encapsulate the magic of now, the beauty of this page in our lives. Snapshots in time that will live on forever.

The lesson for this session is to take a deep breath and go with the flow. So much easier said than done when I feel like ripping my hair out and bursting into tears from the pressure of picture-perfect moments. But looking at the photos Amelia captured, she somehow captured a happy family glowing in the warm autumn sun. In hindsight, I wish I had just trusted that everything would turn out beautifully.

Falling in Love

They say having a son is like going through the longest break-up of your life.

Last week at the park, I offered him my hand, which he always takes, except this time he chose to walk by himself. Yesterday when I smothered him with kisses, he told me to stop. Little daggers to my heart, but there’s a part of me in awe of watching him grow into his own person.

Isn’t that the goal of parenting? To raise a kind, passionate, resilient person who thinks on his own, is confident in his own abilities, and advocates for others? The goal is to teach him not to need me - to stand on his own two feet without handholding, to love himself first and foremost.

Perhaps to get him there, I need to hug and love him now, as much as I can…when he’ll let me.

Giving Grace

I love fall. When you can smell the leaves instead of the grass. When the wind is more blustery than breezy. When you relish the sun’s warmth on your face rather than hide from it.

Big life events tend to happen to me in the fall. It makes me nostalgic for the start of a new school year. Fall reminds me of when I met and fell in love with Steve. Gosh, 17 years ago. It reminds me of when we bought our first home together and when we brought home Buddha. Oddly, major career changes would take place for me around September. And before I know it, it’s my birthday in October - the dawn of a new age.

Since the pandemic started and Bubba was born, fall reminds me that everything is temporary. I’m learning to soak up the little things. Bub’s vocabulary is getting better each day. He’s saying “yes” and “more” with real intention. He tries to repeat the words we say and was really close to saying “banana” the other day. At the park, he is more opinionated about when he wants to slide down the slide or swing on the swings. I can no longer plop him where I want him.

I’m reminded that babies don’t stay babies. Nobody has to tell me how quickly they grow up because I know. It’s happening right before my very eyes and while I’m heartbroken I can’t freeze time, I’m in awe of the transformation I get to witness. How he learned to do a somersault. The way he picks himself back up after a tumble. He is so cute it hurts. It hurts because I know he won’t be this cute forever. Next fall, he will be speaking in full sentences and running faster than I can catch him.

Despite the beauty of watching him grow, I wasn’t expecting the transition into toddlerhood to require so much patience and true parenting. There are moments when he’s throwing a tantrum and I literally do not know what to do. Sometimes, I say or do the wrong thing. Other times, I’m able to help him understand. When I get fed up and overreact, I feel like a horrible mother and I beat myself up for not being perfect. But toddlers, they are so gracious, so forgiving. He doesn’t know what perfection means. Maybe to him, I am perfect. He never stops loving me, no matter what my behavior or reaction is. He gives me grace. Why can’t I give myself some?

When big emotions happen, whether it’s me or him, I’m reminded to slow down. To take a breath. To let him figure out how to put on his shoes. To let him watch tree branches in the wind. To let us both observe the little things.

After all, it’s the little things that build meaning in our lives.

“There is no such thing as a perfect parent so just be a real one.”

— Sue Atkins

Every day, I hit the ground running. Harder than I ever thought I could. I throw up my hair in a scrunchie, put on my running rotation of sweats, and barely pause to look in the mirror. I tell myself that I should make an effort, to make myself happy. But then, I hear a little voice call for “mama” and I run to it.

I have to remind myself that this is just a season of life. That raising this kiddo is just a blip in my lifetime. It’ll pass by in the blink of an eye, and I know I’ll miss it so very much. I pray that the hustle, the worrying, the exhaustion - that it’s all worth it. That some day when he’s older, he’ll think back on his childhood and remember it with joy and fondness. When we’re sitting around the dinner table years from here and my hair is completely gray and I’m moving a little slower, I hope we laugh and relive the beautiful memories we’re creating right now.