Togetherness

Long before I had kids, I pictured myself traveling with them and taking them out to eat all the time. I pictured us in a cafe for breakfast. One kid in a high chair, sitting quietly, while another kid sat in the booth also sitting quietly. We’d converse at a normal volume, eat our eggs and croissants like civilized people, laugh occasionally, and leave without a mess.

Now, I laugh at how unrealistic my vision was.

These days, taking the baby anywhere is a chore. Eating at restaurants results in food all over the booth and floor. Both kids are restless and eager to run around. They’re usually yelling. When the food arrives, Steve scarfs down his meal while I hold G and then we switch. We leave feeling fed but not relaxed in any way.

And yet, going out just the four of us has become one of my favorite things to do. Yes, it’s more work to get us all out of the house. Yes, I still struggle with some anxiety leaving the house. But, I tell myself the pros outweigh the cons. The more we practice getting out, the easier I find it. And, I am loving our adventures together. Whether it’s our regular routine of the library, the bookstore, and Trader Joe’s or exploring something new, I look forward to experiencing life. Together.

Photos by Mo ♥️

Snapshots in Time

I spent months looking for just the right shoes for Bub to wear, hours debating what color sweater Steve should have on, and my free time deciding which jeans looked best on me. I planned the heck out of our family photo session because I envisioned glorious fall foliage in Vermont and our happy family glowing in the warm autumn sun.

When the session finally arrived, Bub refused to wear the shoes I chose for him. He refused to get his photo taken - literally walking away when our photographer, Amelia, tried to take our photo and screaming when we tried to pick him up. His pants were too baggy, my top was too loose, and I didn't like the way my hair looked. On top of my tantrum-throwing toddler and all the little things bothering me, the leaves had fallen off the trees by the day of our session and it was a very chilly, cloudy day. I lamented getting the coldest day of the week for our photos. I saw my dreams for the session fade away.

So much planning, so much excitement - all to have it dashed by the weather and my uncooperative toddler. Two things very much out of my control. When the photographer left, I stood in the bathroom and cried. Did we even get a single good photo? I give e v e r y t h i n g to my child and he couldn’t bring himself to listen to me for an hour.

Why do family photos matter this much to me? Because Bub reminds me everyday that life is moving too quickly. In a flash, he’ll be fifteen. Hell, I’m not looking any younger these days either. These photos encapsulate the magic of now, the beauty of this page in our lives. Snapshots in time that will live on forever.

The lesson for this session is to take a deep breath and go with the flow. So much easier said than done when I feel like ripping my hair out and bursting into tears from the pressure of picture-perfect moments. But looking at the photos Amelia captured, she somehow captured a happy family glowing in the warm autumn sun. In hindsight, I wish I had just trusted that everything would turn out beautifully.

Two for Me; Two for You

Bubba turned two this week and I can’t quite wrap my head around the fact that we’ve been parents for two years now. For Steve and myself, Bub’s birthdays are a celebration for us making it another year together, a birth-day/anniversary for me delivering him, and a reminder that he is growing up so fast.

From year one to year two, Bub:

• Learned how to walk

• Learned how to talk

• Learned how to pee and poop on the potty

• Learned to say “thank you” and “sorry”

• Learned how to ask for things and about things

• Learned how to count

• Learned how to read a book to himself

Someone told us recently, “You won’t know it, but someday you’ll pick him up for the last time.” I thought to myself, “Does that happen between year two and year three? Gosh, I hope not. I’m not ready for that.”

We are reminded that every day we get to spend with our child is truly a gift.

Happy Birthday, Bub! We love you!

First Family Photos

A year and a half after having a kid, we finally had our first family photos taken! Shout out to Momoko Fritz for making us feel so at ease and for capturing sweet moments of our little family ❤️

First Family Vacay

After more than a year cooped up in my parents’ home, I needed to get away. Quarantine was getting the best of me. I didn’t leave the house except to go grocery shopping every two weeks. I missed being out in nature. I missed the Bay, where we walked along the beach and hiked in the woods every weekend.

At my wit’s end and on Steve’s suggestion, I booked an extended stay for us in Michigan. The Airbnb was 10 minutes from most beaches and forest preserves and only a two-hour drive from where we were in Illinois. It offered a fenced yard for the dog, filtered water for formula, and the owner was nice enough to pause pesticide use during our stay.

At last, we had something to look forward to.

The day finally came for us to make our way to Michigan. The car was packed full of Bub’s stuff: highchair, Pack n’ Play, formula, clothes, diapers, bottles, snacks. The two most stressful parts of the trip were packing to leave for it and packing to come home. While one person watches the baby, the other person packs - switching on and off until we’re ready to go.

When we arrived at our Airbnb, I immediately wanted to turn around and go home. ‘I’ve made a terrible mistake,’ I thought. In my eyes, the place was dirty, covered in glitter (the bane of my existence), and it smelled strongly of artificial air freshener. My senses were overwhelmed and the Highly Sensitive Person in me was panicking. A year ago, these things wouldn’t have mattered as much. As a mom now, they freak me out because I am constantly worried about creating a safe space for my child. Whyyyyy did I leave our little bubble?

Miraculously, we got through our first night. Unloading the car, unpacking Bub’s things, scrounging up his dinner - somehow we did it. But, I was homesick for my parents’. I missed having everything I needed and knowing where everything was. I didn’t realize how hard traveling with a baby would be; I was kicking myself for not having thought through all the little things.

I had a silver lining. As we were getting ready for Bub’s bedtime, he was rolling around on our bed, laughing and having the time of his life. His eyes shone with pure happiness. His smile melted my heart. He wasn’t homesick at all. Home is where mom and dad are.

❤️❤️❤️

Throughout our stay, I would learn to let go. This was Bub’s first time in an entirely new environment. He was exposed to so many things. Some good. Some bad. At some point, I had to learn to let go of wanting to control everything.

Beaches mean sand and sand gets everywhere. Wooded areas mean mosquito spray and people in Michigan spray pesticides just like they do in Illinois. Some people smoke cigarettes and smoke dissipates into the air we breathe. No home, no Airbnb, no hotel, no place is perfect. Bub gets into things (like all toddlers). He’s going to prefer playing with the dog food bowl and the garbage than any of his toys. I can’t keep him away from all harm.

Here’s the thing about control, it stems from anxiety. While I am panicking and worrying about what he’s eating or breathing in, he is completely happy. He looks up at me with a big grin and bright eyes. I try to take a deep breath and just let things be.