massachusetts — Musings

For the past year, Steve and I have been debating where to settle and move our family. We explored moving to:

Other areas in Illinois
California (both the Bay and Santa Barbara)
Munich, Germany
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Vermont
The Berkshires in Massachusetts
Upstate New York

I made pro/con list after pro/con list. I researched schools, grocery stores, hospitals, and airports nearby. I inquired about rental homes and calculated expenses and savings for every option. We dreamed about hiking in the Alps, learning to snowboard, going to UMich football games, enrolling Bub in a Waldorf school surrounded by forest. We took every idea and ran with it to see how far we could take it.

In the meantime, Bub went from being a toddler to becoming a kid with his own opinions, desires, and needs. He solidified his relationships with his grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles. He saw himself part of a community…a community I was so desperate to get away from.

Being in Illinois reminds me of a traumatic childhood, of my social anxieties in high school, of my awkwardness. It reminds me of my unfulfilled dreams of becoming a journalist in a big city, of living abroad, of meeting people who would broaden my horizons about the world. There’s so much more I want to do in life and yet, becoming a mom has put almost all of it on hold or moving at a snail’s pace.

Last week, I woke up with an epiphany. Creating distance between Bub and his current community might hinder him more than sending him to a school that uses pesticides, doesn’t serve organic meals, and isn’t in the mountains. I didn’t want him to resent me for moving him across the country to keep him “safe”.

Sure, I’d love to live somewhere with mountains in the backdrop. Yes, I’d love to hike through the forest every day and find a community of moms who prioritized the same things as me. Of course, I wish I was raised elsewhere and my family lived in ritzy New York or tropical Hawaii instead of in-the-middle-of-the-cornfields Illinois.

But, these are the cards I was dealt and I need to make the best of it. And most importantly, I need to do what’s best for my kids.

Steve and our families were ecstatic about my ultimate decision. Steve breathed a sigh of relief and said, “This makes the most sense financially.” My aunt told me, “I knew you’d come around.” My parents responded with, “I told you so.” I was happy our support system was pleased, I guess. We’ll need their help in August when Baby #2 arrives. I mean, what was I going to do in a new state and town when she arrives and we need someone to watch Bub? Do I deliver on my own while Steve watches Bub? Does Bub hang out in the delivery room with us? Do we pray the delivery is short and during Bub’s school hours? Asking a relative to fly to our new home at the drop of a hat seemed like a tall order.

The one thing I hadn’t figured out was what to do with my feelings of settling. Soon after I made my decision, I woke up in the middle of the night in a panic and feeling restless. I needed to get out of Illinois, out of this house, out of the routine of being a mom, even for just a day. I needed to be reminded of how nice home is. I needed to miss it. Steve encouraged me to book a trip somewhere and he encouraged me to do it whenever I was feeling this way. It could be as small as a staycation by myself or as big as a trip to New Zealand. By allowing them/us to stay in Illinois with a support system, I could leave as often as I’d like and go wherever my heart desired (budget depending). This was our compromise, our solution to settling. Go on trips to remember how good I have it at home.

Sometimes the camera can see what I can’t, sometimes it’s the other way around. I can see what my camera can’t. When it comes to fall foliage, my camera just couldn’t do it justice.

In Michigan, the colors were blooming. In Canada and Vermont, most of the trees were bare. The cold winds having blown most of the leaves off their branches. But oddly, they’re where I took some of my favorite photos. In Massachusetts and New York, the valleys were in their prime, covered in majestic golds, auburn, and rose. The same in Pennsylvania which we drove through as the sun started to rise - its golden rays beaming onto the sweeping landscape of every shade of rustic imaginable. Yellows, oranges, reds - oh my!

While Bubba napped in the van, Steve and I took in the foliage blanketing the hills. We’d be talking about random things and then stop mid-sentence to point out the breathtaking russet colors. October is officially my favorite time to road-trip.

For three weeks in October, we explored the east coast. Driving from Chicago and stopping in Ann Arbor, MI along the way. We spent a week in Canada, visiting family in Montreal. We then drove down to Vermont for a week and the Berkshires for another before making our way back home.

My happiest memories of our trip were outdoors. Watching Bub play with goats and chickens at an Airbnb outside of London, Ontario. Early one evening, we spent an hour playing under a huge flowy tree. Enjoying the autumn sun and the falling leaves, we chased each other around and wrestled to the ground. The same can be said for our time with relatives in Montreal, where my favorite moment was watching everyone play Sandman at the nearby park. We lucked out with a warm morning, the leaves on the surrounding trees were flaming red and orange, the streets were quiet from traffic. As I write this post, I can still hear the sound of kids (and adults) laughing. As they darted to and from playground sets, one would yell, “Sandman!”

In Vermont, I relished the freedom of letting Bub roam the secluded property we stayed on. There was a pond at the front of the house, where we chucked rocks and searched for frogs for hours. Whenever our hearts desired, we could walk the wooded trail on the property and listen to the serenity of the trickling stream below. One evening, Buddha and I sat outside and watched the sunset. Breathing in the crisp fall air in Vermont, completely alone - just my dog and me. It was so peaceful and magical.

In the Berkshires, we were amazed at how hiking to a waterfall, shopping at an organic co-op, and eating at a delicious patisserie were within a 20 minute reach. There was always something different to do and explore. The vibe reminded us of California, though the aesthetic was very much New England. We felt strangely at home.

There were ticks. There were triggers. Bub ate his weight in snacks in the van, smoked sausages for breakfast, and went a day or two without eating something green. But, this trip brought us closer to what makes us happy and gave us closure on what we want the next chapter of our life to look like. For that, I’m grateful.