Taking a Michigander

I didn’t think weekends like this were possible given my anxiety. Weekends where I could go with the flow, enjoy the present, and make beautiful memories with my family. Weekends without panic attacks or debating with Steve on which decision is best for Bubba.

Weekends are meant for adventure. They’re meant to celebrate the end of a work week. I missed what weekends used to mean for me: enjoying the outdoors, going out to eat, and staying up late watching movies. After having Bub, weekends became more of the same - an extension of my work week because every day with Bub was work.

Now that he’s a little older and adaptable and more importantly, now that my mental state is in a stronger place, I want my weekends back - for exploring new places and trying new foods. Two things I never thought I’d be brave enough to do with Bub while he was young.

Last week, I realized I needed something to look forward to each weekend - a day trip somewhere new. We’ve gotten into a monotonous rhythm of going to work, going to the same parks, making dinner, going to bed, and doing it all over again. I also thought it might be fun for Steve to have a “Yes Day”, an entire day where he gets to make all the decisions and I just tag along.

I make most of the decisions for our family because 1) I have anxiety, 2) I have strong opinions and 3) sometimes it’s just easier for Steve to go along with my flow than to fight me on every turn. It must be hard for him to always be thinking about keeping my triggers at bay, so that I may have one less panic attack during the day.

Turns out, “Yes Day” was a huge success. We had a beautiful Saturday in Lakeside, MI, where Steve wanted to spend the day. The weather was gorgeous, the water was warm, and the crowds were not too bad. And to my word, I went with the flow. Sure, triggers popped up occasionally but I told myself that it was “all good”. My new mantra to remind myself that everything - good or bad - is ultimately a good learning.

And when I go with the flow, the world seems to flow with me.

I let Bub have a cinnamon roll for breakfast, which he tried to devour like a dog.

“Come on, Mom. Follow me.”

He found some rocks that he wanted to put in my pocket to throw into the water later.

Three big rocks in each pocket

Building sand castles

Lakeside, MI is Steve’s happy place. I can see why.

Peace with the Prairie

Despite how much I miss California and identify as a Cali girl, moving back just isn’t in the cards. The drought, wildfires, and insane cost of living make it really hard to justify, especially with a kid. Realizing that I was never going to move back was hard. I found myself grieving for a couple days over a lost dream.

After a lot of back-and-forth with Steve on where we want to raise our family, we’re open to moving out of Illinois. But until the housing market picks back up, I’m going to do my best to enjoy as much nature the heartland has to offer.

Some of my favorite hikes since we’ve moved back have been:

• Devil’s Lake in Baraboo, WI

• Doctors Park in Fox Point, WI

• Lakewood Forest Preserve in Wauconda, IL

• Pulaski Woods in Palos, IL

• Warren Woods in Three Oaks, MI

• Galien River County Park in New Buffalo, MI

Here is a gem of a map that features pesticide-free parks in the Chicagoland area (thank you, Midwest Grows Green!).

Finally at peace with where I am right now

My little Christopher Robin in the back

The Ranch Malibu

Three months ago, I sat at my computer - burnt out and frustrated with my weight and lack of physical activity. I missed feeling confident and strong. I was still harboring most of my baby weight and an emotional heaviness that I couldn’t escape.

At my wit's end, I booked a solo retreat to hopefully clear my head and kickstart a healthier lifestyle.

Now for the first time as a mom, I get to travel on my own. Not for work. Not for friends. Not for family. Not for anyone but myself. For the first time in a long time, I am forcing myself to really focus on my health, my mental wellbeing, and reflect on what my place is in this world.

Ugh, then why am I crying at the airport?

It’s so hard to leave. It’s so hard to rationalize that what I’m doing isn’t selfish, isn’t putting more burden on Steve while he watches Bubba on his own. It’s so hard to say goodbye. To Bubba’s sweet hugs and hilarious toddler sayings. I’m sad I’m going to miss special moments. I’m sad I’ll come back and he’ll have grown an inch and learned 100 more words.

This is:

• My first true vacation in three years.

• My first solo trip as a mom.

• My first time away from Bub for more than a week.

Let's do this.

Where am I

Oh to be back in California! Malibu, to be exact. Being back on the west coast alone relaxes me. The sun, the mountains, the ocean. Perfect 75 degree weather. It always seems to be too hot or too cold in Illinois. But in California, the weather is just right.

What am I doing

The Ranch Malibu is a detox and wellness program that resets our bodies with healthier habits, such as getting up early, eating nutritious meals, and exercising outdoors.

This was my schedule for the week:

5 am: Tibetan chimes wake me up

5:30-6 am: Group stretch

6-7 am: Breakfast and prep for our hike

7-7:30 am: Hop in the sprinter van to take us to our hike

7:30-11:30 am: Hike the Santa Monica mountains

11:30-12 pm: Back to the Ranch

12-1 pm: Lunch and foot soak

1-2 pm: Rest

2-3 pm: Massage

3-4 pm: Fitness class

4-5 pm: Rest

5-6 pm: Yoga

6 pm: Dinner

7 pm: Rest

Why am I doing this

To let my body completely relax. Laying in bed with the windows open for as long as I want, doing absolutely nothing but listening to the birds sing and the leaves of the trees rustle with the breeze.

To reset my body in terms of calories I consume and nutrition intake. I too often resort to chips, simple carbs, and sugar as my meals and think that a salad has too many steps to make. I need to be more disciplined in what I feed my body. I want to eat nutritiously because I love my body, not because I loathe it.

To remind myself how much I love hiking and being outdoors.

To find myself. Having a baby plus the pandemic made me feel like my entire being had been overthrown by a dictator named Anxiety. This retreat was meant for me to take ME back.

What I’ve learned

I learned that I don't need large amounts of food. I need small amounts of nutritious food throughout the day. Instead of chips, I should reach for fruit and nuts. A salad can be hearty with lentils and roasted potatoes. Drink water before meals and hot herbal tea afterwards.

I learned that I sleep better without caffeine.

I learned practical lessons like how to mitigate my shoulder tension, which is where I carry most of my worries, aches, and pains. They find their way up through my neck and to my head, where I suffer horrible headaches. This trip taught me the correct way to wear a backpack. Using a backpack with a waist strap took the weight off of my shoulders. It also taught me that a good massage therapist can eradicate my migraine without the need for ibuprofen.

I learned I need to drink small sips of water throughout my hike (and throughout my day). In the past, I tended to drink water only at the end of a long trek. On a four hour sweaty hike, I should consume at least 100 ounces of water.

I learned the importance of community. I truly loved every single interaction during my stay and got emotional when I had to say goodbye. Everyone - from the retreat staff to the partakers - was truly a joy to get to know and I found my soul so full from our conversations.

I learned that I am worthy of a retreat, a reset, a rejuvenation. I found comfort in talking to the moms I met this week. The consensus is that finding time for ourselves as moms is really hard but we have to be intentional about it. This retreat shouldn't be a treat. It should be a requirement.

Haven’t had a bed to myself in forever

Figuring out the walkie talkie took a minute

Plastic-free soap!

The exfoliating bar soap was the best

Up the hill to the main house

The cutest courtyard

Foot soak time (aromatherapy thanks to the organic garden)

Breakfast #1

Lunch #1

The living room of my dreams

The dining room of my dreams

Massage houses

Classic California Spanish Colonial architecture

The Barn, where fitness and yoga classes were held

Only complaint: I wish the place invested in renewable energy

Pool time

The quality of everything was unreal - down to the wooden umbrella stands

Pepper Tree Lane

Heading into the garden

The organic garden of my dreams

Hike #1

Learned all about the flora and fauna: California Everlasting smells like maple syrup, California Black Sage smells like bubblegum, Sagebrush was nicknamed “Cowboy's cologne”

Lunch #2

Hike #2

Sweaty, covered in sticky sunscreen, but feeling so strong

Hike #3

Lunch #3

Hike #4

Lunch in the garden

Lunch #4

They tasted like honey

Hike #5

Missing these hikes already

Honor’s All Mine

I recently had an afternoon that was the definition of “lovely”. An afternoon I could only have dreamt of. I visited the Legion of Honor with dear friends who also love visiting museums. For the first time in forever, I walked through exhibits unhurried and admired them as much as my heart desired. Three hours spent being inspired by the creativity of others, drinking tea in the museum cafe, and catching up with long-time friends.

Guo Pei Exhibit

I absolutely loved the way Guo Pei seamlessly wove Western and Eastern cultures together. Her designs took my breath away.

My choice for the Met Gala

The wedding dress I wish I could afford

The details on every design were insane

Floral is clearly my jam

Mother & Child

Maybe it was because I missed Bub. Maybe it was because I’m a mom now. I used to walk right past artwork of the Virgin Mary with Baby Jesus, never really understanding why these portraits were everywhere in Europe. But on this visit, they made me pause and remember what it was like to hold a cuddly baby, what a miracle it was.

Sunshine State

After our first trip/flights with Bub, this Florida one felt easier. Though, flying into RSW is much easier than flying into SFO, which we flew into on our first trip. I used to love the pace and chaos of behemoth international airports. As a mom, I despise them. These days, I take into account whether an airport I’m flying into with my child is more or less congested than a neighboring option.

Is traveling with a kid still stressful regardless of the airport? Yes.

Is traveling with a kid a vacation or just relocating the work? The latter.

Is traveling with a kid still worth it? Yes.

After a long winter, we welcomed the Florida sunshine. We hopped in the pool as soon as we arrived and quickly fell into a rhythm of: sleep, swim, eat, repeat. I almost wrote “relaxing rhythm” but was it truly “relaxing”? I’m learning that traveling with a kid is full of contradictions. There were times of relaxation on our trip, for sure. (I read an entire book, “Where the Crawdads Sing", which I highly recommend.) But, it’s always stressful for me to be in new environments with Bub. At home, my anxiety is already pretty high. When we travel, my anxiety becomes even more heightened. Not only is my anxiety taxing on my own mind and body, it’s taxing for the family, especially Steve.

I can only imagine what it’s like for Steve to be married to someone so anxious. I interrogate him with questions as my mind ruminates. Has anyone smoked cigarettes in the house where we’re staying? Is there a carbon monoxide alarm? Is there filtered water? What if the neighbors smoke and we’re outside in the pool? Do iguanas bite?

Despite the below photos, being in the sunshine state doesn’t equate to always having a sunshine-y state of mind. I’m working on it.

FIRST FAMILY PHOTO SESH ON THE BEACH

(One of us ate lots of sand)