Adler Planetarium

I’ve been meaning to take Bub to the Adler Planetarium since the summer. Finally this weekend, I made the decision that we were going and by golly, we actually did it.

Super Bowl Sunday made for easy traffic and minimal crowds as we drove to the museum plaza. I love this part of the city and have always thought it set apart Chicago from the other biggies. The Field, the Shedd, and the Adler all within a three-minute walk of each other. And against a beautiful skyline and lakefront views at that.

When we got there, I bribed Bub with a chocolate peanut butter cup to pose for a few photos in front of the planetarium. We all squinted at the bright sun and half-smiled for obligatory family photos taken by a stranger walking her dog. I asked Bub if he’d take a couple more and he refused, eager to eat his candy.

Inside the museum, Bub was mesmerized by a hologram on the wall of the welcome walkway. He stared as parts of a rover were assembled in front of him. We then ate a snack in the cafe (he, his peanut butter cup) before making our way to the Sesame Street film playing in the dome theater. Steve was adamant about getting to the theater early to get our choice of seats haha.

Bub’s first time in a movie theater and it was fantastic to be surrounded by kids his age and parents going through the same motions we were. Halfway through the 25-minute show, you could see most of the kids become restless as parents shuffled them from one lap to the next.

After the short film, we wove our way through most of the exhibits. Bub spent 10 minutes steering a spaceship over Mars. We saw gigantic telescopes from the 15th century. He imagined himself manning mission control as he played with a giant touchscreen. He drove rovers, launched rockets, walked through deep space, and pretended to avert an aeronautical crisis with tubes, buttons, and switches. Barely stopping for hydration and belly fuel, we were finally able to convince him to leave after nearly four hours.

The Adler Planetarium was a huge success. I’m not sure who left more hungry and tired, Steve or Bub :)

Here We Are

Here we are, at the end of 2022. I think back on the things I wanted to accomplish this year and realize I hit 75% of what I wanted. There are things I never checked off my to-do list and worry if I ever will. But, I’m learning to trust in the timing of the Universe and let go of my own timeline. Sometimes when I look back on my life, I realize the timing worked out better than I had planned.

The milestones from this year were big:

• Trips with the kid to California, Florida, Ohio, North Carolina, Ontario, Quebec, Vermont, New York, and Massachusetts.

• Trip on my own to California.

• Bub learning 5,000 more words (or so it seems).

• Two ACL surgeries for Buddha.

• Traded in our Prius for a minivan.

• Steve upped his fitness game.

• I made strides with my anxiety.

• I finally lost the baby weight and felt like myself again.

• I submitted two works for copyright.

• We both got promoted at work.

• We got pregnant with baby #2.

And yet, the day-to-day feels the same. We get up, try to balance work/Bub/Buddha/ourselves, and all of a sudden, it’s bedtime. We ask the same questions every day: What do you want to eat? When do you have meetings? When are you working out? Who’s putting him down for a nap? Who’s putting him down for bed?

This year, we came face-to-face with what we want for our lives and for our family. We debated where we saw ourselves living, who we want our community to be, whether we were making choices based on fear or fun. These questions have led me to what I want to prioritize in the new year: Who am I? In other words, what is my authentic self if I strip away the anxiety, depression, and insecurity? What do I really want to do if I let go of my fears?

Right now, I don’t know how to make decisions not based on fear. Every decision I’ve made in life has been based on my fears. Fear of being unpopular, overweight, financially unstable, a bad mom. I’m realizing now that making decisions based on fear makes me a coward, a pessimist, a sell-out. When I know deep down that I’m a dreamer, an idealist, an original. 2023 is about finding who I am, amidst the chaos of being a working parent trying to expand her family. Bring it on.

New England, New Memories

Sometimes the camera can see what I can’t, sometimes it’s the other way around. I can see what my camera can’t. When it comes to fall foliage, my camera just couldn’t do it justice.

In Michigan, the colors were blooming. In Canada and Vermont, most of the trees were bare. The cold winds having blown most of the leaves off their branches. But oddly, they’re where I took some of my favorite photos. In Massachusetts and New York, the valleys were in their prime, covered in majestic golds, auburn, and rose. The same in Pennsylvania which we drove through as the sun started to rise - its golden rays beaming onto the sweeping landscape of every shade of rustic imaginable. Yellows, oranges, reds - oh my!

While Bubba napped in the van, Steve and I took in the foliage blanketing the hills. We’d be talking about random things and then stop mid-sentence to point out the breathtaking russet colors. October is officially my favorite time to road-trip.

For three weeks in October, we explored the east coast. Driving from Chicago and stopping in Ann Arbor, MI along the way. We spent a week in Canada, visiting family in Montreal. We then drove down to Vermont for a week and the Berkshires for another before making our way back home.

My happiest memories of our trip were outdoors. Watching Bub play with goats and chickens at an Airbnb outside of London, Ontario. Early one evening, we spent an hour playing under a huge flowy tree. Enjoying the autumn sun and the falling leaves, we chased each other around and wrestled to the ground. The same can be said for our time with relatives in Montreal, where my favorite moment was watching everyone play Sandman at the nearby park. We lucked out with a warm morning, the leaves on the surrounding trees were flaming red and orange, the streets were quiet from traffic. As I write this post, I can still hear the sound of kids (and adults) laughing. As they darted to and from playground sets, one would yell, “Sandman!”

In Vermont, I relished the freedom of letting Bub roam the secluded property we stayed on. There was a pond at the front of the house, where we chucked rocks and searched for frogs for hours. Whenever our hearts desired, we could walk the wooded trail on the property and listen to the serenity of the trickling stream below. One evening, Buddha and I sat outside and watched the sunset. Breathing in the crisp fall air in Vermont, completely alone - just my dog and me. It was so peaceful and magical.

In the Berkshires, we were amazed at how hiking to a waterfall, shopping at an organic co-op, and eating at a delicious patisserie were within a 20 minute reach. There was always something different to do and explore. The vibe reminded us of California, though the aesthetic was very much New England. We felt strangely at home.

There were ticks. There were triggers. Bub ate his weight in snacks in the van, smoked sausages for breakfast, and went a day or two without eating something green. But, this trip brought us closer to what makes us happy and gave us closure on what we want the next chapter of our life to look like. For that, I’m grateful.

Ann Arbor

Nelson Meade County Farm Park

Munched on apples, flew kites, climbed boulders

London, Ontario

Cockiest cock

Goats nibbling my sweater

Sweet baby Grace

Jack to the Jill

Bub’s first trip to the mall

Unknowingly went through entrance with arcade

Montreal

Mount Royal Park

My cousin’s wife makes amazing homemade Afghan food

Been dreaming about her aush noodle soup since the last time we visited

Bub’s first shaved ice and bubble tea experience

Gardens of Light at the Montreal Botanical Garden

Vermont

Maple candy at Baird Farm

Give me all the organic maple syrup

Berkshires

Hawthorne Valley Farm Store had organic items I’d never seen before

Race Brook Falls

“Mom, can you take a picture of me?”

Thank you, New England

“Autumn is a second spring, where every leaf is a flower.”

— Albert Camus

Snapshots in Time

I spent months looking for just the right shoes for Bub to wear, hours debating what color sweater Steve should have on, and my free time deciding which jeans looked best on me. I planned the heck out of our family photo session because I envisioned glorious fall foliage in Vermont and our happy family glowing in the warm autumn sun.

When the session finally arrived, Bub refused to wear the shoes I chose for him. He refused to get his photo taken - literally walking away when our photographer, Amelia, tried to take our photo and screaming when we tried to pick him up. His pants were too baggy, my top was too loose, and I didn't like the way my hair looked. On top of my tantrum-throwing toddler and all the little things bothering me, the leaves had fallen off the trees by the day of our session and it was a very chilly, cloudy day. I lamented getting the coldest day of the week for our photos. I saw my dreams for the session fade away.

So much planning, so much excitement - all to have it dashed by the weather and my uncooperative toddler. Two things very much out of my control. When the photographer left, I stood in the bathroom and cried. Did we even get a single good photo? I give e v e r y t h i n g to my child and he couldn’t bring himself to listen to me for an hour.

Why do family photos matter this much to me? Because Bub reminds me everyday that life is moving too quickly. In a flash, he’ll be fifteen. Hell, I’m not looking any younger these days either. These photos encapsulate the magic of now, the beauty of this page in our lives. Snapshots in time that will live on forever.

The lesson for this session is to take a deep breath and go with the flow. So much easier said than done when I feel like ripping my hair out and bursting into tears from the pressure of picture-perfect moments. But looking at the photos Amelia captured, she somehow captured a happy family glowing in the warm autumn sun. In hindsight, I wish I had just trusted that everything would turn out beautifully.

34, Excited for More

As the temperatures cool and my wardrobe becomes more layered, I am in disbelief that the summer is over and that my birthday is here. Wow, another year around the sun and I can’t quite wrap my head around it. This birthday came up fast. I swear it was July yesterday.

Let’s see - what did I do in my 33rd year…I traveled to both coasts with my child and we made it home in one piece; I started taking sunscreen more seriously; I tried herbal supplements, Xanax, acupuncture, hypnotherapy, and craniosacral therapy for my panic attacks; I treated myself to a week-long retreat sans husband and kiddo; and I progressed with my anxiety and health in ways I didn’t think possible.

I’m typically very sentimental this time of year, nostalgic for what has been. But this time, I’m finally feeling appreciative for the chapter I’m in right now and excited about what’s to come. As my cloud of anxiety and depression clears, I am optimistic - a word I haven’t used to describe myself since before I was pregnant. I’m enjoying my not-so-little Bub and excited to try for one more - something I thought I’d never say. Having one is exhausting enough. There is no rationale for wanting another. It’s not reason that makes me want another baby. It’s purely emotional.

Not too long ago, I wanted everything to be perfect before having another kid: perfect house, second car, Bub in daycare, a trusty sitter on speed dial, a few career projects checked off my list. It’s been a journey this year to realize that there is no perfect time to have kids or to do anything big in life. You do the thing and trust that you’ll adapt. I’ve been doing it all my life. I can do it again and again and again.

Instead of being just fine, I want to thrive. I want 34 to be more of what I’ve been doing, more of what I want. More prioritizing of health! More physical movement! More ways to fill my soul! And maybe, just maybe, one more kid.